


Crabsalad

by Gobetti



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Genderbending, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-12
Updated: 2012-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-24 13:46:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gobetti/pseuds/Gobetti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suddenly, the more than famous sentence “I’m not a homosexual” made a whole lot more sense to me, as the growing heat on my face and neck slowly started spreading down to, uh… “unwanted places”. Maybe “bisexual” was more like it. And if I were to stretch things out just a little more, “Karkat-sexual” was probaly a good option as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Realization: hit him hard. In the balls, if you will.

Never mind that they were saying something. Never mind that it was probably something important, too, and that I should be probably paying attention. As of that moment onwards, my brain had finally fried. Fried like one of Sollux’s computers after one of his psychonic rage fits. Fried like a McDonalds potato chip. Fried as a deep fried thing could be after being deep fried yet again, probably on its way to the boiling oil for a third time, completely gone down the useless path a really long time ago and with no intention of returning anytime soon.

Or at least that’s how it felt like for me.

As I sat there in my computer chair, turned away from my computer screen to look at Karkat and Sollux standing in the middle of the room, I could see that everyone was doing the same, but unlike me, they were probably paying some close attention to what my boyfriend and his best geek friend were trying to explain to us. I think they were even asking a few questions too, but I couldn’t really tell. Somehow, it was like my ears gave up of his basic functions to my eyes so they could actually see things better, because  _holy. Fucking. **Shit**_.

Here’s the situation at hand. There were six troll girls standing in the middle of Sollux’s computer lab, a place that very intentionally was built to resemble the meteor’s lab where we were all stranded in while playing the game. But these girls weren’t Fef, or Aradia, or even Nepeta. They were all a fucking identical and perfect copy of the six remaining male trolls that somehow appeared in our new world because of some sort of shenanigans that Karkat and Sollux were trying to explain. Truth to be told, I didn’t really care just _how_  they showed up at our doorstep; I simply knew they did, and it was good enough for me. But there was one girl, only one fucking girl, that caught my eye the very second I glanced at her from my seat, and the sight nearly made me fall on my back too, chair and everything.

 The nubby horned troll girl stood along with the five others, and she was right in front of Karkat, who was a whole head taller than her. She was glancing around, at everything and everyone, looking very shy and annoyed, only it was the kind of annoyance that was always plastered across Karkat’s face. This made my heart skip a beat, and that’s when my brain started melting, dripping down my ears and all. And she was pulling to the hem of her shirt too, looking extremely nervous, which was totally comprehensible and fuck anyone who would ever tell her to stop doing that,  _god_ , and the way she tugged to the black fabric,  _so_   _cute_ , with her palms and somehow mindful of her own sharp claws made me get the feel that she’d ruin the edge of her clothes if only she tried tugging just a tad harder. The stretched fabric made her narrow waist kind of disappear too, though not completely since the shirt was very thigh on her body as opposed to the baggy ones Karkat used to wear, but it sure made her breasts a lot more evident and oh my god John don’t look at her breasts what the ever loving fuck are you even doing,  _jesus_.

I think I must have whimpered right then, and I’m pretty sure I flinched too, because the girl turned her head around to finally look at me, her bright red and yellow eyes meeting with mine as if they were two magnets finally noticing each other’s presence. Immediately, I widened my eyes, knowing that my mouth was still hanging open, and felt a deep blush spreading across my face to the tip of my ears. She kind of did the same, too, furrowing her brows as if to look even more annoyed than before, and glared at me with a faint red shade to her cheeks.

Suddenly, in that half a second that it took us to talk to each other silently with our eyes, the more than famous sentence “I’m not a homosexual” made a whole lot more sense to me, as the growing heat on my face and neck slowly started spreading down to, uh… “unwanted places”.

Maybe “bisexual” was more like it.

And if I were to stretch things out just a little more, “Karkat-sexual” was probably a good option as well.

“- _got_  to be  _kidding_  me,  _John_! John, for fuck’s sake, will you stop fucking staring and just pay attention to what I’m saying already?!”

“Huh?!” I blurted out, not able to make out any coherent words at  _all_ , and I turned my head up from where I was almost drooling at Karkat’s female self – and  _no_ , I swear I wasn’t looking at her breasts, I just  _glanced_  at them for a second, honestly! –, and looked at him. Actually, no; I looked at them both. Now that my vision wasn’t completely focused on her, I could actually _see_  them, the exact opposite of each other and the same goddamn thing all at once. There we had Karkat, with his strong arms that faintly showed his muscles beneath his tough grey skin, his slim torso with just a hint of a thin waist behind the abs that he developed after so many years of training with his sickles, and then there was girl Karkat, with soft little arms, so fragile that it looked like I could break them just by bending them the wrong way, hips so wide I could only wonder how soft and squishy they must feel, legs long and naked from the knees down, showing off the perfectly delicate muscles and her small ankles. And their hair,  _oh my god,_  their black, shiny hair were  _exactly_  the same. Hers were just as messy, and maybe,  _maybe_  just a tad longer, but it was barely noticeable.

The way Karkat stood confident and tall behind her, was the same fucking way she stood in front of him, clearly in a futile attempt of trying to appear taller than him; the way he had both hands upon each of her tiny shoulders made them look like they were standing as one, which was exactly it too, and the way she hugged herself, a tight grip on her naked arms, glaring at me the  _exact same way_  Karkat was doing right now, both eroding me with their looks as if they were trying real hard to burn a big hole through my “think pan”. She was like a clone of him gone wrong and completely and utterly right at the same time, and fuck,  _fuck_ ,  ** _fuck!_** , this is BAD. This is bad, this is bad, this is absolutely worse than bad, this is terrible and oh my fucking god there it is, Karkat  is talking again, most probably with me too since he’s still looking at me as if I was the world’s biggest jackass right now, and I probably was, but fuck if I knew what he was saying because, at that moment, my brain wasn’t just completely melted after being deep fried and then seasoned and fixed upon a plate, all ready to be served on the dinner table for everyone to enjoy; it had declared itself officially dead to me, gone and gone and  _fucking_   _gone_ , but not before it made a very vague promise of never coming back again.

Immediately after its brief announcement, my dick raised from his imaginary seat, where he was just watching as my mind and body argued with one another, where he had patiently waited for the right moment to jump in and take the lead on this whole situation, and proclaimed itself the new ruler of my body before good sense had a chance to even process what just happened.

Good for you, little man. Good for you.


	2. John: make no sense whatsoever.

Somehow, in the back of my mind, good sense woke up from its initial stupor. I knew it was shouting at me, because slowly I began to realize just what exactly I was doing; or rather, what I wasn’t doing. I wasn’t moving, breathing, or diverting my gaze. Basically, I was frozen in place, staring at the two furious trolls in front of me.

Good thing I also had a physical good sense to help me out.

“John.” Rose whispered, placing her hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at her, and from the look on her face, she could barely hold back a small grin. “I believe that you should stop staring. You’re making your boyfriend uncomfortable.”

“Like hell I’m uncomfortable! I’m downright pissed! _Egbert_!” Karkat shouted, stomping his feet to force me to look at him. Slowly, the fog in my head was fading away; Rose’s hand helped me focus. “Repeat what I just asked you.”

“Uhhh… come again?” I muttered, and some people in the room giggled, which included Sollux and his female self. Karkat bared his fangs.

“ _What. Did I. Just ask you_?”

“Um…” a brief glance at Rose, and she waved her head at me, as if saying ‘you’re in this on your own’. I turned to look at Jade, on my right side, and she was one of the gigglers, her hand placed upon her lips, trying to suppress her amusement.

“He, uh, asked you if you were paying attention,” female Tavros mumbled, and when both Karkats glared at her, she looked down, a brown tint to her cheeks, pulling a few loose threads from her jeans shorts. “But, uh, I guess that he kind of just, uh, answered your question, didn’t he.”

“Oh! Oh, um, thanks, uh, Tavros?” I said, kind of unsure of what to call her, but the troll simply nodded, as if confirming that yes, Tavros was indeed her name. “Okay, uh… thanks, Tavros.” I repeated, and the words sounded foreign to my ears; across the room, I saw that Tavros kind of felt the same way. “And, yeah, she’s right, Karkat, I wasn’t really paying attention to what you were saying. Sorry.”

“Oh, no, _please_ , John, that’s fine! I mean, it’s not like whatever the fuck I was just babbling about for the past ten minutes was in any way important at all, you know! I just like talking to my fucking self all the time, that’s just me, doing retarded things twenty-four-o-seven, just like fucking usual, isn’t it?!”

I flinched and laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck. “Hehe, Sorry. Really.”

“ _Sorry_? That’s all you have to say? That you’re _sorry_?” Karkat shouted, but this time, I think everyone was looking because, despite being the same tone and the same timber, it wasn’t the same voice. It was a bit higher pitched, but it had the same snarl as before. Male Karkat looked down, eyes wide with surprise – and just a tint of ‘HEY! I was talking here, what the fuck do you think you’re doing!’ –, and _ooooooh god_ here we go, I stared at her again; she bared her fangs at me, those little, short white fangs, and she growled, dropping her hands into fists on the sides of her body. “We were here for all this time, talking, and all you did was fucking stare! Did you hit your head so hard that coherent thoughts failed you for the rest of your pathetic life, or did you simply forget to read the one-o-one on basic fucking manners?!”

“ _We_?” Karkat repeated, and girl Karkat looked up. “What do you mean by ‘ _we’_? You didn’t say a single fucking word until now, smartass.”

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I _am_ you, imbecile; you said so yourself only five minutes ago! Did you already forget? Is your think pan just as damaged as the stupid human’s? Or are you just pretending to be oblivious to get a chance to look down and stare at my poison sacks, you creep?”

“Whoa, whoa, back the fuck up, missy!” Karkat exclaimed, and now everyone was staring; but neither one of them seemed to care: they only had eyes for each other, but not in a good way. “First of all, you _are_ me, idiot, but we are not the same person for you to just claim that whatever I said counts as something you said as well, so shut the fuck up; there is no ‘we’ as in ‘you and me’, there is ‘we’ as in ‘me and Captor’, so maybe you should pay more attention when people are talking!” Clearly offended, girl Karkat raised a finger to speak, but Karkat simply batter away her hand and kept talking, which only made the girl’s face turn red with anger. “SECONDLY, you do not have the right to offend my matesprit! Like I said, you are me, but you are not fucking me in every sense of the fucking word-“

“BUT _YOU_ OFFENDED HIM!” she yelled, lifting herself on her toe tips to stare deep into his eyes.

“ _I_ AM ALLOWED TO DO THAT, NOT YOU.” He shouted back even louder, and everyone flinched, except for me. Seeing Karkat standing up for me like that was, well, adorable, and I sure as hell was not about to complain. “THIRDLY, I would never stare at your fucking poison sacks even if you were the last female troll on the surface of this ridiculously pathetic universe, and LASTLY, you stupid fuck, I saw the way you were looking at him, even a newborn wriggler could smell your intentions from five fucking miles away! So before you get any stupid ideas inside that rotten sack of meat you call brain, I am going to say this only once: _keep your claws off my matesprit_! You get it?!”

I felt my cheeks flushing like whoa, because I had never seen Karkat so worked up about me before, and I came to find that I liked this overprotective Karkat a lot. But girl Karkat didn’t seem a bit taken back by his warning, and kept the same fierce and steady expression as before, even though her hands were now shaking with suppressed rage. The trolls who were behind Sollux and Karkat, sitting on their respective computers, had walked very, very slowly across the room, and were now standing or sitting right beside me to get a better view at the whole thing. I must admit it was kind of fascinating, to see Karkat finally encountering with himself, and there it was, the result everyone expected: for him to be blindly mad at himself. It’s just that, of all things they could be arguing about, nobody expected them to be fighting over _me_.

But they were.

And _god fucking dammit_ , they were about to jump at each other’s throats because of me.

If this wasn’t the reason for the growing heat in my chest and groin and the small, shy smile plastered upon my shocked face, I don’t know what it was.

Dave was right behind me, leaned back against my computer desk, with one arm around Terezi’s shoulders, who was clearly holding back her maniac laughter as if not to interrupt anything, and the other resting upon Tavro’s shoulder in an extremely uncomfortable position, since the bull was a few inches taller than him. “Congratulations, little dude. You are officially the heart-breaker.” He exclaimed, letting go of Tavros to pat me in the back. “Tav, my man, why did no one bring the popcorn? This is pure gold right here.”

“Uhhh…” he mumbled, and his female self took a brief look towards him, clearly uncomfortable for being right next to the shouting duet, slowly walking backwards and as far away from them as possible. Nepeta was crouched on top of Jade’s desk in a pouncing position, next to Feferi; the three of them were giggling like crazy.

“Ooooh, this will require a furrr-ierce update on my shipping chart!” she whispered, wagging her tail around. Feferi and Jade only giggled louder.

None of this seemed to be worthy of Karkat’s attention though.

To either one of them.

“Didn’t it occur to you that I might be aiming for his black quadrant, shithead?!” girl Karkat snapped, grinning. But when Karkat grinned back, her expression fell.

“Humans don’t understand the concept of black romance, idiot. Go ahead, aim for his black quadrant, be my fucking guest.” He said, waving his hand towards me. She seemed confused now, and really did turn to look at me, as if the whole thing sounded completely ridiculous.

“it’s true”, I nodded when she kept staring at me, as if trying to find a shitty drawing of quadrants to suddenly appear on my forehead or either for me to say something. The latter sounded a lot more plausible. She buffed.

“Well, you know what, smartass?” she said, threateningly; Karkat lost his grin. “We’ll fucking see about that.”

Before he could say anything, girl Karkat had walked across the room and stood in front of me, glaring me with her red eyes; slowly, Rose stepped back, and the warmth that her reassuring hand left behind was mixed with pure nervousness. My embodied good sense had left, leaving me alone with the selfish new ruler of my body, since, you know, my brain was still enjoying its permanent vacations. I was definitely blushing to the tip of my ears, but Karkat didn’t move from his spot next to Sollux, waiting for her to do something.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t breathing, much like I wasn’t either.

“You thhould probably thtab him in the gutth,” Sollux mocked, and she turned her head around to look at him, much like Karkat. He seemed shocked and ready to choke his friend with his bare hands. “Maybe that’ll do the trick.”

My blush faded away, and my blood turned cold.

“What?!”

“WHAT?!”

“Well, maybe I will!”

“WHAT?! Wait, no, don’t I get a say in this?!”

“I will fucking cull you if you even flinch the wrong way, you disgusting piece of shit.” Karkat growled, glaring the smaller troll as if she was an annoying tiger who just announced she was going to bite a chunk off my arm to see if I tasted good.  

His fangs were bared and his eyes were cold as ice, fierce and focused on its target. A shiver ran up my spine; Karkat was leaning a bit forward, prepared to take his sickles and tackle girl Karkat at any given moment, only waiting for his female counterpart to do something, _anything_ , and oh my god. He looked savage, dangerous, and hot as fuck. The flush returned to my face with full power. Girl Karkat seemed to notice because, the very next moment, she turned her head around to look at me again, sniffing the air, and leaned down, smelling my cheeks and hair as if she was looking for something delicious on the general area of my head. I couldn’t see Karkat anymore; she was merely an inch away from me, our noses almost touching.

“ _Shit_. You really pity him, don’t you?” she whispered to me, looking almost… disappointed.

My heart sank to my stomach.

“Uh, actually, no, I…” she widened her eyes, confused and shocked. Wrong answer John, fix this mess, you idiot, quickly! “No, that’s not, uh… Rose, Rose might be able to explain love to you, I think. But it’s definitely not pity, I don’t pity Karkat, he’s a really cool guy.”

“But, if you don’t pity him,” she said, looking at me deep inside my eyes and approaching a little more. I leaned back, trying to get as far away from her face as possible without falling from my chair. My mind was slowly becoming foggy yet again, and starting to engage panic mode too. fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck_! “…how come you’re his matesprit?”

“Complicated things. It, uh, happens when, um, you date a human, actually. It’s pretty normal. Dave might be able to get you all into it, when you have free time!” I pointed at the blond behind me, and she instantly raised her head to stare at him. I sighed, finally being able to breathe again.

“Whoa, no way, don’t look at me.” he said, raising both palms up. “Egbert’s the one who’s been dating trolls the longest, you should definitely talk to him about that kind of shit.”

“What? That is not…!” I tried to argue back, to say that Rose and Kanaya were a thing long before Karkat even confessed to me, but girl Karkat was back at my face before I could finish my sentence. I cursed Rose for not stepping up to me, but it seemed like nobody wanted to interrupt the three of us. I couldn’t even hear the girls laughing anymore – or _breathing_ , as a matter of fact.

“You’re denying that you and my male self have filled quadrants for a long time?” she said, burrowing her brows at me. I felt a small drop of sweat forming on my forehead.

“No, that’s…”

“Then _you_ teach me, you puny human.”

And just like that, _just like that_ , she kissed me.

I knew that it was true, because everyone gasped – Jade and Nepeta squealed, actually – when her lips met my own. I froze, conflicted between kissing her back and finding out whether her mouth tasted just like Karkat, and pushing her back as to not cheat on my boyfriend, but then she was pressing harder, and I swear I could hear Dave yelling ‘ _God fucking dammit, Tav, where’s that popcorn I told you about!’_ , and her black lips were parting and I could smell the scent of her breath and oh fuck oh fuck _oh fuck_ _fuck fuck **fuck**_!!!!

“ _HEY_!!!”

It turns out, the kiss lasted for, oh I don’t know, maybe three seconds; four, tops. It seemed like a whole eternity to me, but before I knew, Karkat was pulling girl Karkat back and throwing her to the lab floor, making the new six troll girls flinch and step back, giving room for the troll to fall without knocking them over.

“ _WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU_?!!!” He shouted, standing before me in a protective position. My neck was so hot, I couldn’t even swallow – could shoulders blush too? It sure felt like it.

“ _I ASK YOU THE SAME GODDAMMED THING_!” she shouted back, lifting her weight with one elbow. “You can’t autispice between me and your matesprit, you’d be filling two quadrants at once, you dumbfuck!”

“LET ME SAY THIS AGAIN, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK THE MESSAGE GOT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL, DIPSHIT _! HUMANS. DON’T. HAVE. KISMESIS_. FUCKING PERIOD. YOU ARE NOT PURSUING ONE OF JOHN’S UNEXISTANT QUADRANT, AND THAT IS FINAL.”

“LIKE HELL I’M NOT!” she got to her feet, approaching Karkat is five short steps. “YOU DON’T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, AND IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO FILL QUADRANTS WITH ME, THEN HE’LL BE THE ONE TO TELL ME THAT!”

“FINE!”

“FINE!”

“FINE!!!”

Both turned around to look at me at the same time, both glaring with those red eyes, both foaming with rage.

“…oh god.” I whispered, seriously feeling that I just might hyperventilate. “W-what are you two doing?”

“TELL HER, JOHN. TELL HER THAT YOUR RIDICULOUS SPECIES DON’T HAVE MORE THAN ONE CONCUPSCIENT RELATIONSHIP. TELL HER THAT THAT JOB IS ALREADY TAKEN. TELL HER.”

“Um… um…!”

“ _JOHN_!”

 _AAAAAAUGH._

 “Oh my god, Karkat, please stop yelling at me! You’re seriously making me nervous!”

“LIKE HELL I AM. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S MAKING ME NERVOUS. JUST FUCKING TELL HER ALREADY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!”

“Actually”, a smooth, calm voice said. It sounded like Rose, but I was too busy clutching to my hair to actually look at her and confirm that thought. “Lots of humans maintain healthy relationships with more than one life long partner in many different cultures; even though it is not ‘normal’, and I rest you assured that none of these relationships are ever based upon hate, at least not on both sides, one human could, in theory, maintain more than one concupiscent relationship if it is what they truly desire.”

Oh no, what?

Now everyone was looking at Rose, including me, obviously, and her smile was triumphant. What a terrible time to bring up polygamy, Rose, seriously. What the fuck.

“Seriously?” Karkat whispered, as if he was trying to convince himself that no, he didn’t hear that wrong, and Rose simply nodded.

“Like I said, it is not usual, and it is condemned in the culture the four of us grew up in, but it is not completely unheard of.”

“Now you’re just shitting with us, aren’t you.” Girl Karkat whispered, but Rose waved her head. Both Karkats now looked at me, both furious, though I failed to know why girl Karkat was just as mad as her male self. Go figure.

“ _You_ …!” he whispered, approaching me, and I flinched. “Why the fuck didn’t you told me that before?! And why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t, Karkat, really!” I tried to explain, raising my hands. I could smell the sweet, salty smell of popcorn, and Tavros’ metallic feet walking back to stand next to Dave, and I hesitated, losing my trace of thought. “I, uh, well…”

“ _Well_?”

“What did I miss?” Tavros whispered, but Dave shushed him in response. I felt that small droplet of sweat running down my face.

“Do you really think your matesprit would ever lie to you, you idiot?” girl Karkat shouted, pulling Karkat by his elbow and away from me. I sighed again, glad to not be the center of attention anymore, and took that moment of relief to glare at Rose. Hard. She had her fingers upon her lips, laughing quietly and giving me the most apologetic look possible. _Augh_. Why can’t I stay mad at her, seriously.

“Ooooh, you are NOT doing this!” Karkat shouted back, slapping her hand away. “You are not going to fucking _defend_ him, like you’re his matesprit or something!”

“Well, glaring and threatening him like that is not something a _good_ matesprit would do, you shithead!”

“I DID NOT THREATEN HIM! And Like HELL you’re giving ME a moral lesson, you’re just doing this so you can get him to fucking LIKE YOU, so BACK OFF!”

Karkat pushed her with both hands, and she gasped.

“NO! YOU back off!” she pushed him back. Karkat was practically foaming.

“FUCK YOU! LIKE HELL YOU’RE TELLING ME TO DO ANYTHING!” he pushed her again, with a little more strength.

“RIGHT BACK AT YA, NUBBY HORNED FREAK!”

“LIKE YOU’RE THE ONE TO TALK, YOU PROTOTYPE OF A YOUNG ADULT TROLL!”

Girl Karkat gasped and stopped on her tracks.

“Did you just called me short?!”

Karkat snickered.

“More like ‘shorter than a midget short’, but yeah. _Problem_?”

It all happened too quickly.

For the first time, I was glad that my brain had left, because its replacement was able to understand what was happening a lot faster than it would ever be able to.

Girl Karkat shouted, her face becoming a deep beet red from both embarrassment and anger, and Karkat stood in an attack position, bearing his fangs at her as she plunged forward in his direction.

But instead of clawing each other’s hair, it was more like they were about to claw each other’s clothes off.

Girl Karkat was _kissing my boyfriend_ , hard and hot, moaning against the kiss in between snarls, diving tongue first inside his mouth, and there was red blood and drool everywhere in between their lips, and Karkat… Karkat was _kissing her back_.

If at first it seemed like they were just completely ignoring everyone else in the room, right now they simply didn’t seem to notice their presence.

“Whoa, holy fuck, John, you better get up and do something about it, because I think, do correct me if I’m wrong though, that your boyfriend is kind of cheating on you, man.” Dave said, his voice a little funny because he had a mouthful of popcorn, and he pointed to the trolls making out in the middle of the room, shaking my shoulder with his butter greased palm. “Like, right over there. You can see, right? John, come on, go do something, dude!”

“You silly human!” Nepeta purred, crawling all the way to my desk. “John can’t autispice between them, he’s already filled one of Karkitty’s quadrants!” She eyed Jade, who was as much in shock as me. “Jade, that’s where you come in! Go stop them befur John’s face explode!”

“Oh! Right!” Jade exclaimed, and without wasting another second, she stomped towards the two trolls who were now exploring each other’s back eagerly, nearly tearing off the fabric with their claws. “HEY! YOU TWO! KNOCK IT OFF, _RIGHT NOW_!”

It didn’t take much. With a hand on Karkat’s collar and another on girl Karkat’s sleeve, Jade pulled them as far away as possible, though the two trolls still eyed each other with spite. “This is ridiculous! Karkat! What the hell do you think you were doing?! John is standing right over there! Aren’t you ashamed of what you just did?”

Karkat diverted his gaze from his counterpart, looked at Jade, softening his look only slightly, and then back at me. His ears dropped, and he looked away.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, um, no, it’s, uh… it’s okay, Karkat, I know that, that black feelings are a very powerful thing, I’m not upset, really.”

“Really?” he asked, maybe a bit hopeful and a tad confused. And I couldn’t help but think to myself, _really, John_? Did I really mean what I had just said? I mean, normally, anyone would be upset. I mean, normally, _I_ would be upset because, well, that was my boyfriend, and he was kissing someone else as passionately as he sometimes did with me, and, no, this is clearly wrong, I should be freaking mad at him right now! Like, really, really mad! Screaming at him mad! Hitting him across the face like a girl mad!

And still…

I glanced at girl Karkat, who still had blood all over her lips, eyeing her feet, looking all bothered and embarrassed and guilty and upset…

…yeah.

Normally, I would be mad at Karkat for it. Of course, that was the logical thing to do.

But my brain was the one who handled all official affairs with logic, and quite frankly, little John wasn’t very fond of it.

Besides, it was as if Karkat was just kissing himself, anyway. If anything, this was sort of like masturbation, right?

…right?

“Yeah,” I smiled, and Karkat’s face lit up, as if I was his mom and had just told him that yes, you silly pie, we’re going to the amusement park allright. Girl Karkat looked at me as well, her face still pitiful and awkward, but with a glimpse of hope. Why were the two of them so _cute_ , holy crap. “Yeah, I’m sure, Karkat, don’t sweat it.”

I don’t know why, but I knew I wouldn’t regret this. At all.


	3. Karkat: Talk to John about what the fuck just happened

Some things in this god awful planet were a fucking mystery to me.

Sometimes, one of those mysteries was my matesprit.

As we walked towards my hive, John was horribly silent, his grip on my hand tighter than ever. My female counterpart walked just as silently beside me, glancing a look at John whenever she thought that I wasn’t paying attention. Those five minutes it took us to arrive at our destination was enough to make me want to punch them both; fucking pointless awkward silence, what the fuck, seriously.

I turned to look at John, who was looking down at his shifting feet, a faint blush on his cheeks, and now my counterpart was staring at him with a soft glare. She seemed annoyed that John wasn’t paying attention to her, and I couldn’t help but feel proud of John for frustrating the shit out of her.

“John, we need to talk.”

Both looked at me, and I snarled at the girl.

“ _I_  need to talk to  _him_.” I said, punctuating the sentence just right, and she frowned. “You wait here, and don’t go fucking snooping around or touching anything, you got it?”

She opened her mouth to say something back, but John coughed.

“Actually…” he whispered, and she turned around to look at him. “I really need to talk to Karkat too. Alone, I mean. Is… is that okay?”

That’s when I noticed just how much she was like me, in ever sense of the word. She looked desperate, meaning to say something, anything at all, but John had the most adorable puppy eyes as he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. She closed her protein chute and looked away, crossing her arms over her chesticular globes.

“Whatever. Just don’t take too long, or I’ll die with fucking boredom here.” She said, walking around me and flopping down on the couch. “Can I at least watch television, fuckass?”

“Fine, whatever.” I told her, rolling my eyes. Geez, what a pain. “The remote’s on the coffee table, jackass, do whatever the fuck you want.”

“We’ll be right back!” John exclaimed, already walking towards the stairs as soon as the TV was on. I ran after him, and when he realized I was keeping up, he ran just a little faster.

“Hey, wait up!” I told him, but he flung the door to my respiteblock open and walked inside without a hint of hesitation. I growled. “Fuck, John! Yeah, sure, you can go inside my respiteblock, no big d –  _hhnnnnf_!”

There was no time for protests. As soon as I walked inside the room, John threw his arms around my neck and clashed our lips together. Not even a second later he was licking my lips and sliding his soft tongue inside my mouth, and I couldn’t even try to talk, afraid I might cut him with my fangs. After a couple of minutes trying to fight and push  him away, with no avail, I finally kissed him back, which only made the human moan and deepen the kiss with even more passion than before.

“ _Karkat_ …” he panted when he pulled back to breathe, his soft, hot breath against my wet lips. I felt my pants becoming tighter. Shit,  _what the hell_?

“John, wait I –“ I tried to say, but he just kissed me back, a little softer than before. “No, wait, we need – we need to –“

He licked my lips, my cheek, the back of my ear, the line of my jaw.

“Stop talking.”

“Wh –  _hey_! T-that’s  _my_  line!”

“And yet…” he sucked on my neck, biting down hard, just the way I taught him to, and I shuddered.  _Fuuuuck_. “…you’re still talking.”

This is not good.

With one of his hands, he shoved the door behind us, closing it with a loud noise. Surely missy miss grumpypants downstairs must’ve heard us, and it occurred to me that maybe that was John’s intention.  _Perfect_. Just…  _perfect_ , John. If only he wasn’t so busy clinging to my shirt for dear life and sucking on my bottom lip at the same fucking time, I might just have shed a tear of joy.

Slowly, he pulled me towards my recuperacoon, sitting on the edge of it as he stripped off his own shirt, quickly lowering his head to suck on the skin of my neck again.

“John, come on, this is –  _aah, fuck_! – I’m serious! We really need to talk! You said it so yourself!”

“ _Fine_.” He said, pulling my own shirt up to the height of my chest. “Then talk.”

He leaned down and bit the tip of one of my nipples. A feeling similar to an electric jolt ran down my torso, and I purred.

“J-John…”

“Yes, Karkat?”

I could hear him undoing his belt, opening his pants, and then swiftly working on my own jeans. I held on to his shoulders for dear life, and rested my forehead against his hair.

“I – no,  _we_ , we need to –  _shit_ , John!”

Coherent thoughts were failing me at that moment, unsurprisingly enough. John opened my jean’s zipper and swiftly slid his hand inside my garment, getting a tight hold of my erect bulge, the other one sliding down to grope my butt.

“Karkat, you’re not making any sense.” He whispered, biting down hard on my hipbone, and I moaned. “You said you wanted to talk, let’s talk.”

When his warm fingers released my member, I whined, but John didn’t seem to mind. He got up, sliding his hands softly against my torso, feeling the curves of my muscles, and removed his own pants, pulling my own down right after. In the next second, he was kicking off his sneakers and socks, and slowly stepping back inside my coon, slowly pulling me in with him.

Somehow, I managed to get through that I still had my own shoes on as John pulled me in a little harder. I quickly took them off along with the jeans around my ankle, throwing them at a random corner of my respiteblock, and sunk my bare feet inside the cold sopor slime. I looked up. He looked back at me, or rather, he never stopped doing so. His foggy eyes were filled with lust and need and adrenaline, his mouth hanging open, pantng as if he just ran a fucking marathon or something… I had never seen him like that. Usually I was the one to lead the both of us through foreplay, even when he was the one to fuck me in the end. But _now_ … now, as I looked at him, my own cheeks blushing and my bloodpusher beating fast, fast as if this was or first time all over again, so fucking fast that I thought it might just jump out from the back of my throat, the only coherent thought that came to mind was ‘ _fuck this shit_ ’ as I yanked my black shirt over my head, threw it to the floor and pulled John back into a wet and sloppy kiss.

He kissed me back just as enthusiastically as before, just as needy, both of us panting, needing more air than we could afford ourselves to get in between our locked lips, his moans mixing with my warbles and purrs and keens like the most beautiful song to ever exist in this ridiculous little planet. Both his hands were now fondling my horns, which made me kneel down on the recuperacoon, John following me down, never breaking the kiss. I used my elbows to keep my chest and hands above the surface, and John caught my upper lip in between his blunt teeth, nibbled his way towards my earlobe, finally biting down on it as hard as possible. I grabbed onto his arm, my sharp nails scratching his ridiculously fragile skin, and made a chirping sound mixed with a loud moan in a happy approval when he sensually licked the candy red blood off my rough, grey skin.

“If you really want to talk, Karkat, then  _talk_.” He repeated against my ear, his breath soft and warm and moist, the barely audible whisper sending twisted shivers down my sides, his thumb rubbing the base of my horn distractedly. I shut my eyes tightly and moaned again, deep and low. “I’m all ears.”

 

—-

 

“ _Wow_.”

“Haha, yeah. I’d say.”

“No, I mean,  _wow_. Seriously. WOW. Fuck, John. What was that all about?”

“Hmm?”

He turned to look at me, his chest rising and falling rapidly with his short, ragged breathing. Fuck, just looking at him like that made me ready to go again. He shouldn’t be allowed to be so cute and goddamn sexy at the same time, what’s with that anyway. He smiled and swam towards me, shifting slightly so he was right beside me; he laid his head over my chest, resting a fisted hand next to it. I buried my claws between the messy tangles of black bangs and gently scratched his scalp. He sighed happily.

“You were never this rough with me, not even when I asked you to. Profusely, sometimes. What changed?”

“O-oh… that.” John said, tensing up against my body. As a response, I hugged him with my free arm, and he closed his eyes, smiling against my neck. Fuck, he really is too cute. “I, uh, was a bit jealous because, well, that kiss you gave Kat was, um, hot as fuck? Haha, I couldn’t even remember the last time we kissed like that, and I kind of went for it.”

“… _Kat_?” I whispered, stopping the petting. He looked up at me and giggled.

“Yeah, well, it would be kind of confusing to call the two of you Karkat! You think she’ll mind if I call her like that?”

“Fuck no.” I said, laying my head back again, and John did the same. “She’s a real fucking goner by now, too flushed for you to give a flying fuck; hell, she’ll probably let you call her any stupid nickname that your think pan might think of, even if it’s something ridiculous like ‘cupcake’ or something.”

John laughed, and I smiled. It was really nice whenever I managed to make him laugh.

“Well, if this helps, I don’t think I could ever call you ‘cupcake’, Karkat. Maybe ‘sweetie’, but never ‘cupcake’. I hate cakes, remember?”

“Well, you’re crazy, cakes are fucking amazing.” John laughed again. Yes. Very nice. “But holy shit. If only I knew that some sloppy make-outs with someone else would do the trick, I would’ve done that much sooner. I mean,  _wow_.”

“Um, about that…” he mumbled, and I peeked down at him. He was looking directly at my chest, sliding his goo coated finger around my nipple, doodling random lines over my grey skin. “We really do need to talk.”

“That was what I was trying to say since we got here, you dumbfuck, but you decided it was better to fuck me senseless instead.”

“…didn’t you enjoy it?”

“Well, fuck yeah I did, but… argh, whatever. We’re here and we’re good now, aren’t we?” John nodded, still not looking directly at me. “Then let’s talk.”

“Okay. So…”

“So…?”

“Umm… how should I start?”

“Start with the whole being okay with me having a kismesis thing. It’s an idea.”

“O-okay.”

A long silence stretched for what seemed like forever. John took a deep breath.

“I think that I might be okay with you being Kat’s kismesis. I think.”

“Allright.”

“But only her, though.”

“…why only her?”

“Because…” he stopped, obviously thinking real hard, and shook his head. “It’s complicated! I don’t know, really. I think it’s because you two are identical, but not identical like twin brothers or something, just the same and not the same at the same time, and she’s cute just like you, and she’s tiny, and she’s awkward, and oh gee I’m not making any sense, am I?”

“Not really.”

“Damn.”

He took a deep breath.

“I don’t know why, exactly.” He finally said. “I would be mad jealous of you kissing and touching anyone else, but when I saw you kissing Kat… it felt right. It’s like… you were kismesis with your past self already, and everybody knew that and it was kind of funny because how can someone be in a romantic relationship with yourself? But now there’s really another you and you two are kismesis just the same, and it all feels…  _right_ , you know? Like it was meant to be and everyone knew it since the beginning… including me.” this time he really looked up, kind of confused. “Does it make any sense now?”

“Yeah, I think it does.” I told him, and took a deep breath. “So, what does this means? I’m allowed to, you know…  _really_  be her kismesis?”

“I-I guess so…”

“And you know I’ll probably do to her the same things you do to me, don’t you? With a lot more claws and fangs and blood, but still.”

“Yeeaaaaaah?”

“And you’re okay with that. Really.”

“Gosh, Karkat, you’re making me second doubt myself! This is not cool, please don’t make me think about it too much or I might change my mind for real, okay?”

“Fine, fine. I just want to make sure you really mean what you’re saying and that you won’t regret doing this.”

“Yeah, I know. But still.”

“Don’t worry, though.” I snuggled the top of his head, and he sighed happily. “I promise you’re still my matesprit, no matter what, and that’s a lot better than any shitty kismesissitude I might or might not have with her.”

“Hmmm….” He said, shifting again inside the sopor slime and wrapping both arms around my ribs. “Thanks, Karkat.”

“No, thank  _you_ , John. Really.”

“Whatever.”

I giggled and hugged him back, taking a deep breath. His fruit scented shampoo filled my nostrils, and I relaxed beneath him.

Not for long though.

 **  
_BAM BAM BAM._   
**

“ARE YOU TWO DONE WITH YOUR SHITTY PITIFUL INTERCOURSE? BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL AM.”

I froze. John did too. And then, the human did the last thing I thought he’d do after being caught having sex with me.

He snorted.

He.

Fucking.

 _Snorted_.

The furious girl banged against my door a little harder. He snorted again, _what the fuck_ , and muffled his giggles against my chest. Holy shit, boy, where the fuck is John and what did you do to him.

“IF YOU TWO DON’T GET OUT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW I AM GOING TO BARGE INSIDE YOUR RIDICULOUS SMELLY RESPITEBLOCK AND FLIP MY SHIT SO HARD YOU WON’T EVEN SEE MY SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU INSUFFERABLE, INSENSITIVE BEINGS. I MEAN, WHO THE FUCK LEAVES A FUCKING VISITOR WATCHING THE CRAPPIEST REALITY SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH AND THEN PROCEED TO HAVE FUCKING LOUD SEX WITH EACH OTHER, HOPING THAT THE SHITTY ASS TELEVISION MIGHT MUFFLE THE SOUNDS AND MAYBE,  _MAYBE_  SHE WON’T LISTEN TO WHAT YOU TWO DISGUSTING FUCKS ARE DOING. SERIOUSLY.”

John was laughing now, loudly too, and he placed his slime covered hand upon his lips trying to cover up the sounds just a little too late. He yelped, realizing the disgusting mess he just made all over his mouth and tried to wipe away the goo with the back of his wrist, only managing to get things even more messy. Now he was really laughing out loud, not even bothering to hide it anymore.

“WAIT. ARE YOU – OH,  _FUCK_ , YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKNG LAUGHING.”

John laughed again, and I couldn’t help laughing along.

“… _Fuck_.” She wasn’t yelling anymore. “You really  _are_  laughing, aren’t you. This is not fucking funny, for fucks sake. Well, you know what, congratu-fucking-lations, Egderp, now I hate you too. And fuck not snooping around your shitty hive, Vantas, I am going to eat all the crap in your fridge if you don’t get out of this room in the next five fucking seconds. Also, yeah, fuck you. Both of you. I’m out of here.”

“Awww, no, Kat, come back!” John cried, still giggling in between his words, and he tried to climb out of my recuperacoon, slipping right down to his scrawny ass as soon as his slime coated feet touched the floor. He busted out laughing, sticking a few “ow”s in between his short breaths, and I rested my chin on the edge of the coon, dandling my arms on the outside and letting spoor slime drip down from my fingertips to the floor. Shit was already dirty anyway.

“That should teach you not to run off like that again.” I said, and John nodded, rubbing the back of his head. He wasn’t laughing so hard anymore, and finally he opened his water filled eyes to look at me. “Are you hurt?”

“Nah. But I think you should be more worried about the food in your fridge.”

“Don’t worry,” I shrugged. “it’s mostly cake and cold water in there.” John laughed again.

“Oh god, Karkat, she is so going to eat all of your cakes just in spite, you know that, right?”

“Yup. And then she won’t be leaving the ablution trap for a few hours. That should teach her, don’t you think?”

“Hahaha, yeah, definitely. And see, that’s what I’m talking about! She’s about to get royally screwed up, and you’re smiling like its fucking Christmas or something! If this isn’t the best love-hate match ever, I don’t know what is.”

I grinned, not knowing what to tell him, because, well, I guess he was probably right. I was fated to hate myself, just like I was fated to pity the scrawny, pale human before me.

And to tell the truth, I didn’t really know about me and my counterpart being meant to be, but this thing we have,  _this_ … this really feels right. In every sense of the word.


	4. John and Karkat: Work something out.

The next few weeks were a little chaotic, to say the least.

As a common agreement, the female counterparts of the male trolls decided to go live with them, meaning that, _yes_ , Kat was now living with Karkat.

I mean, I did try to offer her to stay in my place so they wouldn’t kill each other in a matter of days, but Karkat kind of growled at me, and not in a sexy way.

On the bright side, Nepeta and Jade took a habit of visiting them both every now and then. Jade, from the beginning, was fairly interested in Nepeta’s shipping wall, and both became best friends real quickly. And now that Nepeta’s ashen otp was, in her own words, “finally canon”, she was literally forcing Jade to autispice between them every single day. Jade didn’t really mind at first, but soon enough she started to feel like she was playing the role of a babysitter, even thought the trolls didn’t understand what that actually meant. Who could blame her?

“Ugh, Nepeta is just so full of energy!” Jade whined, resting her forehead on the table. “She still insists that I go check on those stupid murderous fuckers every single day, John!” She pouted, turning her head to look at me, resting her cheek on the cold wooden surface.” It’s not fun anymore…”

“Aw, gosh, I’m sorry, Jade… I already tried to tell them to stop, but Karkat’s being real thick headed towards me lately!”

“Well…” she sighed, staring at a particularly interesting bread crumb on the table. “…the bright side is that they actually seem to listen to me. I mean, yeah, there are days when I arrive at their place and they’re all bloody and filled with scratches and black bruises, but most of the times I was able to get there before they started clawing each other’s skin off.”

 “Haha, well, yeah, thanks for that, Jade. I’m glad that my boyfriend is still recognizable, you have no idea.”

She giggled, flicking the bread crumb away.

“Hahaha, yeah, well, I can only imagine. But, oh, _man_. This is seriously exhausting! They’re like two stubborn kids! No matter how many times I fucking tell them, ‘STOP FIGHTING, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, I AM _BEGGING_ YOU’, they just go and do the same shit the very next day! I feel like I’m their mom or something! Seriously, John, how do you cope with that?”

“Actually, we don’t hang with Kat all that much, unfortunately, so Karkat is pretty… _Karkat_ whenever she’s not around, you know?”

“Yeah… I do, actually. But _damn_. I wish they would just get over it or something. Or at least that someone placed them in two different houses, because come on! It’s like we’re asking them to attack each other every single day, it’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, I know… I might just try and ask Karkat about that again. But I’m pretty sure he won’t let her stay at my place. She doesn’t seem over her crush on me, you know?”

“Ha, tell me about it!” Jade exclaimed, finally straightening her back against the chair and staring at me happily. “You’re all she talks about whenever we have time to sit and have a civil, normal conversation. I’m guessing that whatever she feels for you is a reflection of Karkat’s feelings, which would mean that he’s just as crazy for you, if not more.” She gave me a small smile. “It’s really sweet. You’re a lucky man, John.”

I felt the tip of my ears and my whole face heating up, and I giggled awkwardly.

“Yeah, I know. Thanks.”

Thankfully, this time Jade decided not to ask me again, and I quote, “how do I cope with it”, “ _it_ ” being the fact that my boyfriend slash matesprit was hatesnogging somebody else behind my back. Sort of. Does it counts as behind my back if I knew they were doing it? I don’t know. This stuff is pretty complicated. Jade actually asked me that quite a few times already, since the first few times she busted through his front door she’d found Karkat and Kat engaged in a pretty hot make out session. The last time she tried to bring this particular topic of conversation again Karkat was also wet and shirtless, which made her argument with me a little more enthusiastic and desperate.

In truth, nobody knew how the hell I did it, and neither did I. the most logical explanation I was able to come up with was that I have been spending so much time with the trolls that I was not only getting used to their quadrants shit, but actually embracing them too. But still, things were pretty different because I still called what I felt for Karkat “love” instead of “pity”, even though I was able to understand why they called it that way, which made things a lot easier between us.

But anyway, Jade stopped asking me that annoying question ever since the whole shirtless boyfriend incident. I kind of snapped at her and told her to stop bugging me about it, because my rational emotional side spoke up every single time she did so, and that part of me wasn’t 100% sure nor happy about this whole thing yet. So, whenever she decided that yes, _we are having this conversation because this is too fucked up_ , that little spark of doubt arose in my chest, and what Jade was doing only made it burn a little brighter every time. And that was pretty uncool.

But whenever I met with Karkat, despise how he complained about Kat a lot, he seemed… _happier_. I guess that he, much like all the other trolls, kind of thought that they were permanently giving up on their other concupiscent quadrants the moment they decided to date a human, but I kind of proved everyone – including me – that things didn’t have to be so black-and-white. That, yes, humans could cope with the whole quadrant shit without freaking out.

…or, at least, not completely.

But he really did seem happier. He seemed to love me just a little more with each passing day. He seemed to kiss me just a little more passionately, and smile more frequently whenever he was around me.

I guess I must’ve proved him that I wasn’t a thick headed human, like he originally believed, and that fact alone made him even more proud of having me as his boyfriend.

I guess.

 

\----

 

How to describe Kat in four fucking words: pain. In. The. Ass.

The little shithead.

And she was living with me. _Living with me_! Who the fuck placed that idea on the table in the first place?

Oh yeah.

 _I did._

After all this time, people would think that I had learned my lesson, but apparently, no.

Past me is still an idiot. _Fuck_.

Ever since that walking disaster started living with me, I could describe my days as “adventurous”, and not in the good way. For instance, I’d wake up every morning with the smell of something burning downstairs. I always ran down the steps, skipping two at a time, naked and still completely fucking drenched in sopor slime, only to find Kat burning her eggs or toast or something stupid like that.

 _Every. Single. Day._

The first three days, I could tell that she was genuinely trying to cook something for her without my help; the days that followed were just her way of pissing me off.

As a come back, I locked her inside her room after she had fallen asleep for about a week straight; that indeed was a very effective way of stopping her from walking into my kitchen and spoiling even more food. I’d only open the door by the time I woke up. Of course, I made sure to sleep in those days, if only to get some well-deserved rest.

No, of course the frantic banging on her respiteblock door didn’t wake me up. I thank god for ear plugs.

Well, okay, I admit it. The girl was a fucking pain, but she was… nice. Sometimes I found that living with her was fun. Being able to share the three places couch when watching TV before dinner, to have someone to laugh at the same things I laughed, enjoy the same meals I enjoyed. She was obviously interested in the same things I was since, you know, she was me in a way, so we clicked off real quick and got along pretty well when we weren’t trying to punch each other’s faces into the freaking wall.

All in all, she was a good friend and a decent kismesis.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying her company despite everything, Karkat!” John told me, that huge smile across his face, munching on his sandwich with delight. “I mean, it’s nice to know that you two get along at least for most part of the day.”

“Yeah.” I grumbled, ripping off a piece of the rough steak in between the buns. “But I always look forward for these moments when I can actually spend time with you.”

“Hehe, oh, man” he laughed, smiling shyly. “Stop it! You’ll make me blush.”

“You’re already blushing, fuckass.”

“Hahaha, oops?”

I smiled back. That was the big difference between Kat and John. John made me smile, and I felt at ease when I was spending time with him. With Kat, well… it was nice, sometimes, but it just wasn’t the same.

“Soooo… Jade told me you guys kiss a lot.”

“Hm? Oh. Well, I don’t know what she means by a lot, but yeah, we kiss every once in a while. No matter how you look at it, we’re still a couple, remember? That’s what couples are supposed to do.”

“Heh. Yeah, um, I… I know.”

“Oh, god.” I rested my half eaten sandwich on the plate, and John looked at me with wide eyes. “You’re having second thoughts about this, aren’t you. Please tell me you’re not breaking up with me, _please_ , I will boot Kat in her shame globes if you think that –“

“No, no, Karkat! That’s not it, really!” he said, raising his palms up at me.

“…then why the long face?”

“Well, I just, uh… I was wondering if, maybe…” he looked down, blushing harder and also resting his long forgotten sandwich on his plate. “If maybe you two went past kissing?”

“You mean clawing each other hard enough to draw blood?”

“No, no! I mean, I can see that you two have reached that level of… _intimacy_ already.” he said, kind of punctuating the word “intimacy” like a question of some sort, like he wasn’t sure if that could be considered intimacy at all. “I was talking about… taking off each other’s clothes and stuff?”

“Fuck.” I waved my head, furrowing my brows with anger. “Is this because of the day when Harley found me shirtless while we were making out? I swear, she gave me such a hard time that day, I was a second away from stuffing a chair down her protein chute to see if she would shut up for half a second before the urge of ripping my own eyes out was imminent. It was a fucking pain, she would just go on and on about it all day long.” I huffed, glaring at my sandwich, and John eyed me with careful attention. “So, no, John, she wasn’t the one who took of my shirt, and neither was I. I was already shirtless before the kissing started. I had just left the ablution trap, and it was hot as balls, so I decided to stay confortable in my own skin in my own goddamn hive, as if that’s a crime. But apparently, miss ‘ _get fucking dressed don’t you have any decency’_ wasn’t all that pleased with the sight of my hot, slim body – _stop laughing, jackass_ – and that’s when we started fighting.” I sighed, took a mouthful of the bread angrily, and munched, pausing my speech for a while. “Harley arrived about five minutes later. It looked way worse because she had little clothes too. But she wasn’t in her freaking underwear or anything. So, answering your original question, no, nothing beyond kissing, biting and clawing ever happened between us.”

His smile became softer and he fidgeted in his chair, obviously still not content with my answer.

“So, you two…”

“Oh my fucking god, do I have to spell it out for you?! You’re really gonna make me say it, aren’t you? _Fine_.” I said, my voice a little louder now; I felt the tip of my ears warm up, and I looked at John deep inside his eyes. “No, John, we didn’t have sex yet.”

“…oh.”

“What. Now.”

“…Nothing, it’s just…”

“Stop lying to me and tell me what’s wrong.”

He dropped his head, his voice a soft mumbled whisper. And he looked so damn pitiful at that exact moment, I just wanted to reach forward and hug the life out of him, squeeze him and cuddle him, kiss him all over…

“…you said ‘yet’.”

 _…_ oh _, fuck._

I should’ve known that this was too good to be true.

No matter what the human said to me and to himself, he was clearly having second doubts about this.

“John.”

My voice was softer, easier. Reassuring. Still, he dropped his chin further until it was touching his own chest.

“Look at me.”

I reached out and placed two fingers over his jaw, raising his head ever so gently.

“I swear to everything that is holy that if you’re bothered by this, I will end my kismessisitude with Kat right now. You just have to say it, and I’ll do it.”

“But… you’re enjoying yourself, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question. I frowned. “I can see you’re happy having what you have with her. I can see you… you seem more _alive_ , Karkat. It was like something was missing, and now you’re whole. You’re complete. She’s like a missing piece of the complicate puzzle that is you. You had Gamzee as moirail, then me as boyfriend and matesprit, and even though you were more than happy with the two of us, there was always something missing.”

I bit my bottom lip a little too hard. John was looking so fucking pitiful, _god_ , it was completely unfair.

“I’m totally right, aren’t I.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right, John. _Fuck_ , I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but still… I’m serious about breaking it off with her, you just –“

In the next second, John was leaning over the table, practically lying down on top of it to reach my face and kiss me. He pressed his stupidly pinkish lips against my black ones and breathed in, almost painfully, feeling the scent of my nervousness and confusion and indecision.

“It’s okay, Karkat.” He told me, the thin flesh of his lips brushing against my own as he whispered against my mouth. “I made my decision. This is what’s right for you. And if I’m nervous, I’ll just get over it. I know you love me, I’m just… being dumb about it all. Sorry.”

“Fuck, no, don’t… don’t apologize, for fuck’s sake. This is so wrong, I’m the one –“

“Karkat, stop. Don’t. You’re not in the wrong here. Neither of us is. We both knew that we’d have to face this kind of complicated shit when we signed up for this interracial relationship. _You_ knew. _I_ knew. So stop worrying.” And he kissed me again, and again, and again, planting soft butterfly kisses all over my face, the motion almost a little nervous and desperate, finally stopping at my closed eyes and resting his forehead against my own. John closed his eyes tightly. I could smell fresh tears welling up behind his eyelids, and I cupped both his cheeks under my open palms.

“I’ll stop worrying as soon as you do, dumbass.”

He laughed, sniffing, and I could see he was just trying his hardest not to shed a tear.

“Fair enough.”

 

\----

 

Soon enough, we both decided on a very doable solution.

Three days later I was knocking on Karkat’s door, suitcases in hand. And even though Kat wasn’t showing, I knew that she almost cracked the widest of smiles just like Karkat’s the moment he opened the door and realized what was happening.

Nepeta, on the other hand, wasn’t at all happy about it. I think she and Jade aren’t talking as much anymore, because now that Jade gave up on aupitispicing between them, I promptly fulfilled that role. When we told her about it, she growled and yelled and snarled about how that was extremely fucked up (“Nepeta! How lewd of you! I will not admit such language coming from a distinct young lady such as yourself!”), but there was seriously nothing she could do that would make me or my twin ectosister change our minds.

With me to sleep next to, Karkat abandoned his recuperacoon for a while (which made me sigh with relief) because sleeping next to me had the same effect as the sopor slime, apparently. But unfortunately all my clothes wouldn’t fit in Karkat’s tiny dresser, and they had to be placed in Kat’s small wardrobe, which still had plenty of room; soon that was proven to be a mistake, because Kat never allowed me to enter her respiteblock without her company (“Like hell I’m letting you rummage freely through my stuff!”) or while she was using the bathroom (even though she kept the door closed and tightly locked).

But all in all, things were working out better than expected. Save from a few discussions every once in a while, Karkat and Kat weren’t clawing each other up in a daily basis, and their slashes and wounds were quickly healing up; I sat between them during TV time, the three of us chatted happily during meals, and every once in a while I would catch them making out in the hallways, red bruises all over their bodies – only from punches, never scratches – and instead of feeling awkward or mad or sad, I’d just freeze in place. The communication between my brain and legs lagged, and I’d just stare as they licked each other’s face, quite literally, just like the first time they did it in Sollux’s lab.

They always noticed me when they drew back for much needed air, their expression a true mix of shock and embarrassment. Karkat would always break the kissing then, wearing the guiltiest of looks; a look even worse than the one he had the first time Jade aupitispiced between them, and said look only seemed to worsen with each extra time I caught them in the act. It made my heart ache, and even though I wanted to tell him that, _it’s okay, you can go on, don’t mind me_ , a messy and rather loud conflict always ended up taking place in my head.

Nothing made sense anymore, and even though I was more than happy with sleeping next to Karkat’s warm body every single day and being able to have sex with him whenever we pleased, I couldn’t help but think that there was something very wrong with me.

Very, very wrong.

 

\----

 

It was weird going to the movies without Karkat, but I could tell that I was simply being a way too efficient aupitispice for Karkat and Kat’s tastes. I noticed after three weeks inside his house that Karkat wasn’t happy like he was at first, and that they probably needed some time alone, like the ones me and him had practically every night.

I ignored the rational part of my brain that called me stupid and weird and completely hiveshit insane, and allowed myself to just go out and have a good time without them for a change; today it’d be only me, Jade, Rose and Dave, just like old times.

I shouted a goodbye to Karkat, who was currently doing the dishes in the kitchen.

“Have fun, fuckass.” He shouted back, and I giggled. On the other side of the line, I could hear Dave asking me what was so funny all of the sudden.

“Oh, no, I was just talking to Karkat, Dave.” I told him, walking towards the living room. “I’m just leaviiii _iiiing_ , **s _hit_**! Oh my god, Dave, it’s really cold outside!”

“Of course its cold Egbert, winter is just around the corner.” He told me, snorting, probably from the stupidly girly shriek I just made.

“Aw man, now I kind of miss how cozy my bed is right now. I’m gonna go back to get my jacket upstairs; I’ll meet you guys in the movies in twenty minutes, allright? See ya in a bit!”

“Okay, see ya.”

I turned off my cell phone and banged the front door closed, quickly making my way upstairs, not even bothering to let Kat know I was going into her room. Still having to have her constant supervision every time I had to change clothes was extremely annoying, and anyway, I would be gone as soon as I walked in. She wouldn’t even notice I was there in the first place.

 

\----

 

The warm water flowed down the tap, and I grumbled. I couldn’t help but get the feeling that I had just kicked out my own goddamn boyfriend from my hive; I scrubbed the dirty plate harder, letting my frustration in that rough movement, hoping that I wasn’t using enough strength to break the plate in half or something.

The again, fuck it if it broke, it’s not like I have only one plate in this hellhole anyway.

I heard the front door closing with a loud bang, and for some reason, I froze, sponge still in hand, the tip of my ears suddenly growing warm.

Something felt wrong.

I finished the last dishes a lot faster than I would usually take, my bloodpusher beating faster than before for no apparent reason; I made my way to the living room, checking.

Something still felt very wrong.

“Kat?”, I shouted. No answer.

I went upstairs, one step at a time.

“…Kat? _Karkat_?” I shouted again, wincing. Calling out my very own name was just too fucking weird. And finally I could hear her, from behind a closed door somewhere.

“I’m in my respiteblock, fucktard. Come here, there’s something I want to show you.”

I hesitated.

This seriously felt very, _very_ wrong.

The next few steps were less nervous, less eager. I stopped before her door, took a deep, shuddering breath and opened the door.

My jaw fell open.

“FOR CHRIST _SKDSAGSD--_ **_KAT_**!!! _WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING_?!?!”

“Me? Oh, nothing, just… admiring this hate bucket over here.” She told me, her voice smooth as silk, the silver bucket with a black spade in it dandling in the air next to her head, hanging in her index finger from the thin strap. _Motherf_ -

“PUT THAT FILTHY THING AWAY. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.”

“Well, okay, but you gotta think fast!”

OH

 _FUCK FUCK **FUCK** —_

In a second, she was teasingly dandling the thing at me. The next, I was gagging in my own spit, and a blur of black and silver was flying in my direction. The stupid pervert fucking _pitched_ the bucket in my direction, and in a reflex, I caught it with both hands when it hit me in the stomach.

Then I looked down.

 _Ooooooh_

 _fuuuuuck…_

“Kat, no, _we’re not_ —“

“What are we not, Karkat?”

 _Shit_. How’d she do that? When did she step up next to me, leaning against my burning hot cheek? Grabbing a handful of hair and pulling my head back, forcing me to look down awkwardly to watch her as she slowly leaned against me. Oh, fucking hell. She was blushing as hard as I was, despite the smug grin and confident aura. That at least made me relax a bit.

“Are we not in a black quadrant? Are we not kismesis? Are you not looking forward to fucking me senseless against the floor ever since the first day we kissed?” she pulled harder, and I hissed, warningly. She gave me a sly smile. “Yeah, that’s right, you stupid nooksniffer grubfucker. Stop overthinking everything, you’re so fucking annoying when you do that. I can hear the rusty gears in your head twirling; it’s getting on my fucking nerves. Cut that shit out, imbecile.”

I couldn’t even retort, but she wasn’t expecting an answer anyway. Kat leaned down, slowly scraping my chin with her pointy fangs.

“Say you don’t want this as much as I do. Say you didn’t want to force me to bend down and fuck me right in front of our little stunned audience the first time our lips touched, you fucking pathetic excuse for a troll. _Say it_.”

“Kat, _wait_ —“

She stepped even closer, pressing the cold bucket between our bodies. I shuddered. Still pulling on my hair, she placed her other hand atop one of mine and bit down on my shoulder, hard enough to draw blood. Something John was never able to do before. I moaned and purred, slowly melting away with the blood pouring from my wound, and that last thought still lingered through my head, dividing my attention with what was happening in the real world realm.

John.

Oh fuck, _John_.

John wouldn’t be very happy about this.

Kat breathed hard against my neck and pulled out her dagger-like teeth from the fresh holes on my skin, and I let out a small cry of pain mixed with pleasure.

“Say it, and I’ll stop, I swear I’ll stop, and you can go back to fucking that squishy ridiculous human right away.” She whispered, each word said in a husky tone, her shallow breath tickling my sensitive flesh. “Say you don’t want me. Go ahead. _I fucking dare you_.”

And then she flattened her tongue, licking away my freaky mutant blood while leaving a thick trail of saliva along the way. The grip on my hair was gone all of the sudden, and promptly, she used it to squeeze my left thigh, pressing her sharp claws against the stiffened muscle.

I tool that opportunity to look down at the same time she looked up at me. She was serious, her breath unsteady, her heartbeat rapid and uneven, obviously waiting for the green light to keep going.

“Well?!”

Half of my brain shouted loudly at me, begging me, _no no no what are you doing you’ll hurt John stop stop stoooop,_ but fuck if the other half wasn’t shouting even louder every single conversation John and I ever had about this touchy subject, and how every time he reassured me it was fine, even though he wasn’t all that sure of it himself. As if I was. Because, fuck, I definitely wasn’t sure of _anything_. I wasn’t sure of motherfucking anything anymore. I always thought that if I ever had a kismesis it’d be the best shit ever, and in a way, it was, but only when I wasn’t thinking about John.

And those were some pretty rare moments.

But Kat kept glaring, looking at me intensively like I was her puppy and she was expecting me to play dead _like I just told you to, goddammit, stop being such a moron and just do it already,_ and something inside me snapped.

“You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, seriously fuck you, and just for good measure, _fuck. You_. I fucking hate you so much, you undeveloped pupa, I hate how you’re fucking smug, thinking you’re just so much better than anyone else, so fucking clever, so fucking interesting and funny, how you eye my matesprit in a way that should allow me to rip your guts out, how bad your jokes are, how stupidly empty you prove your thinkpan to be every goddamn single day…  but above all, I fucking hate you for _looking exactly like me_.”

And I leaned down, licking the red blood away from her dirty lips. This was all so very sudden. I felt my very own breaths coming out in short pants as well, and I tugged at her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

This was a path with to return.

And I still wasn’t entirely sure whether I wanted this – or rather, just how much.

“ _Hnng_ yes, yes, you little shitstain, fuck you too, _god_ , I hate you _so much_ …”

The long forgotten bucket fell to the ground between our legs with a loud _clang_ that resonated throughout the whole hive. I was still standing before the door of her respiteblock, and I swiftly closed the damn thing with a kick.

“Don’t fucking destroy my – _ah_ , destroy my respiteblock, idiot.”

I clawed at her sides from under her black shirt, pushing her away afterwards; she stumbled a few steps back, standing in the middle of her room, and I licked the traces of blood and skin off my nails sensually. She licked her lips in return.

“Make me.”

With an amused growl, she lunged for me, so quickly that I didn’t had time to process it, and pulled me by my shoulders to the floor with her. We were both now kicking and cursing and punching wherever we could possibly reach, and soon we were curled up in a hot tangled mess of limbs on the floor, my back leaning against her recuperacoon, and finally, fucking finally, I attacked her thin black lips.

At first, all I could do was lick her exposed fangs, and soon she opened her mouth, sucking on my tongue awkwardly, biting it hard as a finishing touch. I yelped, pressing our lips sealed together yet again, and she started kissing me back, all snarls and not-so-empty threats coming from the back of our throats that only slightly cloaked the purrs and moans we were making. My hands slipped under her shirt and I grabbed her breasts, who were big enough to fit like a glove under my sweaty palms; that gained fme a loud gasp from the troll, and as I ravished her lips, I rubbed my thumb around her nipple, making the tip hard under my smooth touch.

“Not wearing any underwear, are we?” I whispered in her ear, an amused tone to my question, and she dug her claws to the muscles on my back in response, puncturing my shirt and then pulling and ripping each small hole as she traced eight bloody lines down my back, making me hiss loudly.

“ _Fucking genius_. Did you figure it out all by yourself? How cute.”

“It’s almost as if you were expecting this, somehow.”

“And there he goes again, ladies and gentleman!” she announced, looking at me with a bemused smile. “Either you’re being serious or you’re just being a smartass. What, the bucket wasn’t a clue obvious enough for you?”

Oh.

She leaned down and sucked on the clean, unbruised side of my neck, making sure to leave a good looking suck mark.

“Thought I wouldn’t mind hearing you and Egbert fucking every night? Trying to stay quiet when my shitty room is right next to yours?”

 _…Oh._

 “I gotta admit though,” she said, sucking some more until my grey skin was red and swollen, pulling down my shirt to lick and scratch my collarbone with her teeth. “you two were pretty good at being quiet. I was the one really bad at not paying close attention.”

Wait.

WAIT A SECOND.

“You’ve been listening to us while we have sex?!”

“Ever since day one.”

My blood boiled. I glared at her, and she chuckled at my ire. Before I could shout at her, beat her down, pin her to the floor or something, she sat back, took off her own shirt in a swift motion and grabbed the front of my own with both hands, pulling at it with no delicacy at all. I screamed and moaned when the ripped fabric stung the fresh wounds on my back, and soon all that was left of one of my best shirts were rags of black fabric smeared with sticky red blood.

“I like to call it ‘sweet revenge’.”

Both of her arms were now behind her, supporting her weight as she leaned back. In a slow but firm motion, I felt her hips pressing down against my erection, her thighs swaying and almost dancing in a back and forth rhythm. I looked up at her, not daring to look down at the obvious mess that both our pants probably were right now. Kat’s lips were puffy, smeared with dry blood, half parted as she breathed heavily, sweating as if this was the hottest day of the summer, eyes half lidded and glistening with lust, breasts slowly bouncing every time she pushed her body forwards to grind hard against my bonebulge.

 _Fuck._

The growing bulge in my pants was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Or rather, a lot. I fumbled with my wobbly hands, quickly opening the zipper and button and revealing my fully erect member before she even had time to protest – and my mind to think this through.

If she had some witty comment to make regarding it, it got caught in the back of her throat along with her breath.

“Like what you see?” I asked her, smiling as she stared at it with awe, a small drop of genetic material sliding down from the tip and joining the mess in my underwear.

“I… I, uh…”

“Speechless, are we?” I leaned forward, forcing her out of my lap and crouching on top of her. She blushed even harder.

“F-fuck you.”

“Wow. Now I’m impressed. Very good comeback, I couldn’t have thought of anything better.”

She hissed, bearing her teeth at me, her face flushed and glistening with sweat. I smiled and made my way towards her damp jeans, almost tearing off the stubborn zipper and pulling it down with no mercy.

I hesitated and looked down. Kat had a strong smell, completely different from John’s scent. Sitting back, I looked at her, trying to hide my awe. Kat’s genetic material, identical to my own as expected, was smeared all over her inner thighs and dripping down from her large and soft looking lips. I gulped, my bloodpusher pounding fast, the sound of its loud beating in my eardrums.

Wait.

Did I just compared her body odor to—

“Like what you see?” she asked mockingly, snapping me back to reality.

\--John?

Fuck, _John_.

I waved my head, closing my eyes for half a second, and that was enough o make me replace the female before me, legs open wide and eyes hungry with pleasure with the one of a boy, glasses askew on its face, black, messy hair everywhere, erect bulge throbbing with need--

 _Karkat, don’t just stand there_

 _do something, you’re driving me crazy_

“…you allright?”

“I’m fine, just…”

 _Oh god, Karkat, harder, **please** …_

“Just… just let me…”

“ _Karkat…_ ”

I jumped. The whispered name wasn’t a memory anymore, it was vivid and warm and moist against my ear, and it was followed by a languid tongue stroking the length of my pointy ear, now flushed red with embarrassment.

“Who are you thinking of right now?” she whispered, grabbing the base of my member with her full palm, nibbling on my earlobe slowly as if it was some sort of candy she was savoring.

“I…”

“You’re thinking of _him_ , aren’t you.”

The words were accompanied by a firm pump on my bulge. I moaned, keeping my eyes closed still, trying to concentrate on the too-familiar voice speaking to me, which was just my own voice with a more feminine tone to it, _fuck_ , this was so fucked up and, all the same…

“Jesus, I… _Kat_ …”

John was right from the beginning.

It felt right all the same.

“I know you’re thinking of him, you nooksucking bastard.” She told me, the spite visible in her words, her teeth now nibbling just a tad too hard, making me flinch away and writhe with pleasure at the same time. “How fucking sensitive of you. If only you were doing this shit on purpose just to piss me off, I would’ve complimented you, you know. Good job, grubfucker, you accomplished your goal. Whoop tee fucking doo, the idiot knows how to treat a kismesis. How nice of him.”

I didn’t say anything, instead focusing on her touch, on the feel of five claws tracing down neat red lines down my chest, softly enough to leave nasty marks but not to break the skin; she knew I wasn’t entirely focused on what we were doing, her right hand increasing in speed as I felt nervousness and desperation taking over the rush of pleasure, and she groaned.

“Kat, I don’t think I can… I can’t do this, it’s just—“

“Oh no, you’re not fucking doing this to me, and for fuck’s sake, call me _Karkat_ , you demented wriggler.”

“But…”

“No ‘but’s. Fuck you. We’re doing this, Karkat. And if you stopped overthinking things like I told you to fifteen fucking minutes ago, you’d be pailing the shit out of me already.”

I--

what?

And just like that, she got up, leaving me sitting down on the floor, my erection back with full force, just from the _way_ she said it.

I eyed the silver bucket the very moment she approached it, grabbing the handle and stepping furiously back towards me.

Kat kneeled before me, placing the bucket between her legs.

“Oh god, Kat...”

“Karkat.”

I looked up at her, and she frowned, baring her teeth at me.

“You stupid fuck, what did I just say? My name is _Karkat._ ”

Today seemed to be “ _make Karkat completely and utterly speechless_ ” day, because fuck if I wanted to answer her stupidly rhetorical question; not even for a second she gave me the opportunity to do so. It’s not like I would anyway, but still. Keeping quiet like I was just about to swallow my own tongue was starting to get a bit old, but my feelings – _screw those fuckers –_ were just so overwhelming, running my body, messing with my head and making me a puddle of gooey confusion and awkwardness. In a swift motion, she placed her hands on my armpits and propelled me to my knees, making me stare deep into her yellow and red eyes, my head light from thinking and blushing too hard; her hands were now over the tense muscles of my leg and roaming up to my butt cheeks, and she squeezed, smiling.

I must have had the most unsexiest look ever possible then. A mix of terror and arousal and confusion, all at the same time, and she was pulling me closer still, our bodies pressing together, bloodpushers beating fast and hard against each other, the cold bucket digging to my inner thigh. Then she dived into my mouth, as if she was an exile and my lips were a fucking oasis, hungry and eager for more contact, more pressure, more, more, _more_ , and she was kissing and licking and sucking at everything all at once. That, that right there, was all too different, all very new to me. There was no bulge – or penis, as John calls it - pressing against my stomach when we hugged, my arms shyly feeling the smooth and not-so-delicate curves of her waist and back; instead there were two soft breasts against my chest, warm and just indescribably good.

“Karkat.” She breathed out, licking my lips like a teasing kitten, and she turned around, her arm looped around my waist, nails still digging down onto my ass. She rubbed herself against me and oh my god I could definitely feel her wet and soft and warm, so fucking warm, her genetic material all over my bulge as she practically kissed it with the wrong lips and—

“I wonder if sex with Egbert will ever be the same to you.”

And before I knew she was digging her claws onto my tense muscle at the same time she held my member firmly in place and took my entire length inside her all at once.

My world spun like a kaleidoscope or something. She was warm, warm, _warm_ , so fucking amazingly warm she might as well have a sunburn inside her and _god_ did it felt amazing; she was also so very slick and felt fucking incredible, all that warmth wrapping around my entire length, and I could feel her heartbeat against me with my bulge and hear the low tapping of genetic material dripping on the bucket, the way her lower back arched just so she could get that right angle, where her hips just _fitted_ onto my pelvis, like a puzzle…

It felt amazing.

It felt different from sex with John. So different.

And so fucking amazing.

At first, she moved on her own, my mind unconsciously still around my matesprit. Then, slowly, I bucked my hips onward, as an instinct, trying to get more of that delicious feeling, holding her in place and slamming into her again as I propelled forward. She grinned and looked back at me, moaning and purring softly as she gave me an encouraging word that totally slipped my mind as completely unimportant. I thrusted again. She groaned, digging her nails harder into my flesh, and I responded by doing the same, her blood quickly smearing my fingernails.

It was a complete blur after that. Kat bended forward at a certain moment, and I took that opportunity to place the heel of my hand to the back of her head, pressing her face mercilessly against the cold floor. She didn’t complain or tried to fight back, so I simply pushed harder, faster, harder, more, _more_ , and I could see her muscles trembling, both her hands scraping the floor, biting onto the smooth tiles, and somewhere between warbles and senseless shouts of pure ecstasy, I could make out her words.

“—fuck damn it, say my name, _say it_!!”

I opened my mouth to speak, and stopped, swallowing a pool of saliva threatening to drip from my lips and onto her back. Deep breaths, _in_ , _out_ , I told myself, breathing erratically, almost in the rhythm of my thrusts, and my tongue rolled back. I could taste John’s name in it.

“Do it, _do it_ , come the fuck on _I’m begging you_ oh my god...!”

And it was so weird, I could even see myself saying it before I even processed her request, and it was just so weird, so, _so_ weird…

I leaned over her, arms now resting on the floor, my breath at the back of her neck.

“Karkat…” I whispered, a low, guttural sound mixed with the soft purrs on the back of my throat, loud enough just for her to hear me, and I was panting and sweating and it’s too much, too much all the same, and _fuck_ , I’m saying it again, I’m saying her name, and I’m saying _my_ name, and she’s chanting that fucking name with me now, moaning it out, pushing herself back over and over again against my bulge.

“Karkat, oh my god, _Karkat_ , yes, _yes_ come inside me, please do it, do it, ohgod _please_!”

And then I did.

And all I saw was white.

And maybe I was screaming too, and I was also definitely holding her hand against my own, but I couldn’t really care because all I could hear then was the sound of genetic material flowing inside of her and down onto the bucket as my whole body spasmed with release.

It wasn't long until the bending position became uncomfortable, and my knees felt so numb I wondered if the floor did a numer on them. It probably did, but I was not about to care. I pushed the bucket aside with my leg, and Kat sighed with relief; she dropped her hips to the floor the moment the bucket was gone. Slowly, so very fucking slowly, I rolled out to her side, feeling the cool floor amazingly good against my burning and sweaty skin, and she stared at me, deep into my eyes, gasping for air and smiling sweetly and contently.

“That... was _awesome_.”

A pause. I reviewed the whole thing, glanced at the bucket, then back at her. All things considered, I finally found it in me to furrow my brows at her.

“But you didn’t…”

She waved her head before I could finish my sentence, and I could feel that horrible pressure on the pit of my stomach again.

“Don’t worry; it’s not as easy as people make it look. We’ll get the hang of it with time. The sex was still motherfucking amazing, anyway. Having an orgasm isn’t all that important.”

I wasn’t good enough for her. Not really.

“Sorry.” I whispered, feeling very guilty all of the sudden, but Kat just chuckled.

”I wasn’t really expecting to come on our first time, but thanks. For worrying about me.” She paused, blushed, and smiled a bit more. “You were pretty damn good. Like I expected you to be.”

“Heh, well, I’m glad you—“

Suddenly, I stopped talking, and Kat’s eyes were as wide as my own.

A soft melody began playing from somewhere nearby, and shortly after a woman’s voice started singing along to it.

 _...How do I get through one night without you?_

 _No._

 _Way._

I propped myself on my elbows. Kat did the same, and both of us stared at the same spot.

The wardrobe.

 _What kind of life would that be?_

We didn’t notice it before, but the doors were slightly open; the inside was pitch black from where we lay, but it was obvious that the muffled song was coming from inside it.

Slowly, we got up, not daring to look at anywhere else beside the wooden doors. Slowly, we managed to be, somehow, steady on our feet, and started walking towards the huge furniture at the same time, movements practically synchronized, focused on the same goal.

 _How do I live without you?_

Each one of us took hold of a knob, and we pulled the double doors open at the same time, the music now loud and clear, coming from, of course, John’s cellphone.

Which was in John’s jeans pocket.

And it was, of course, being worn by nobody else other than John himself.

My breath caught in the back of my throat, a lump of something huge trapped in my windpipe.

And he stared at us.

Stared, wide eyed, face red as a beet, gasping for breath.

And even with both knees up his chest, I could see the boner he was trying so desperately to hide.

 _…shit._

 _How do I breathe without you?_


	5. John: Talk to Rose.

I don’t think I have ever been more confused in my life.

First of all, I’m dating a troll. That alone already makes things a bit complicated, to say the least.

Second of all, for most cases, trolls require multiple partners to be able to “function” properly. Yeah, _I know_.

Third of all, I kind of told my boyfriend that he was free to have a “kismesis”, which is kind of like a second functioning partner besides myself, if that’s what he really wanted to do, and I thought, I mean, I _really_ did thought that I wouldn’t care as much as I’m caring right now.

Well, the fact that I just watched the two of them have sex – actually really hot, steamy, _loud_ sex – probably has something to do with it.

Coincidently, that is also the source of my fourth problem.

I don’t think I have ever been more aroused in my life.

What happens now? I don’t know. I really don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out very soon, because by the look on Karkat’s face, he’s just as confused as I am, and man, man, oh man…

Bottom line, this totally sucks.

The cell phone in my pocket, the original troublemaker, the stupid idiot who revealed my totally sweet hiding spot like a total champ – way to go, _dumbass_ – starts singing again, and I just want to pitch that motherfucker away from existence for making the whole thing this embarrassing.  I pull it out to answer it, and I rest my head in my knee, because it’s too goddamn hard to keep looking at Karkat when he’s looking at me like _that_.

And Kat… well, Kat is hugging her stomach, kneeled on the floor, laughing her fucking ass off.

Great.

“…hello?”

“DUDE. Fuck, Egbert, _what the fuck is wrong with you?!_ Where the hell are you??”

I wince with the roughness of Dave’s voice on the other end of the line, and hold the phone a good distance from my ear as he shouts at me. And as if she heard him – fuck, I think she did – Kat starts laughing louder, touching her forehead on the carpet and banging her fist on the floor. “I’m, uh, at home?”

“You’re… Egbert, what the flying fuck are you still doing in Karkat’s shitty house? And what the fuck is so funny for him to be laughing like that?!”

“That’s, that’s not Karkat, that’s Kat, actually.”

“Whatever dude, my question still stands.”

“It’s, well, um, it’s actually actually a really long story, Dave. Can, can I call you later? I promise I’ll tell you every—“

“Like _hell_ you will.” Karkat snarls, and I can’t help but yelp with surprise. Shit, I almost forgot he was still there. Kat gasps, and it’s obvious she wants to laugh even more at that, but can’t. It’s just physically impossible. She’s having a hard time breathing now, but she doesn’t really seem to care.

“…the fuck, was that Vantas? Like, the male one?”

“Yeah, it was. I’m sorry for bailing on you guys, Dave, but… I gotta go. We’ll catch a movie together some other day, just the four of us. I promise. And I’m really, _really_ sorry about this.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line. Jade asks something in the background, and I can’t help but hold my breath, waiting for Dave’s answer. It’s probably one of the longest five seconds of my life.

“Yeah, sure, no prob. Call me when you can, alright?”

“Alright. Thanks, Dave.”

“See ya.”

“…bye.”

When I turn off my cell phone, I notice how hard my hand is shaking. Karkat is still standing there, also shaking, face red beneath his thick gray skin and face twisted into something that looks like a mix of confusion, hurt and anger. I can’t bear to look at him in the eyes.

“I need to think.” I find myself whispering, and Karkat inhales sharply, as if hearing that physically hurt him more than all the scratches and bruises he’s wearing. My hand clutches harder to the phone and I look away, staring at the wooden wall of the closet. “I… I’m not breaking up with you, Karkat. Never. But I’m a fucking mess here, and I don’t know what to think right now. I need some time, I…”

“John.”

I look up.

There’s only pity in his eyes.

“I’ll wait for you.”

I can’t help the half smile I give him.

“You did nothing wrong. You know that, right?”

“I think I do.” He whispers, though he doesn’t seem so sure of himself. “But do you?”

The question strikes me right in the chest. I chuckle. Kat’s laughter is finally subsiding, and now she’s just a bleeding mess on the floor, clutching to her sides and shaking with every giggle. I sigh, wanting nothing more than just crawl up into the corner of the closet behind me and die or something, but I know that as soon as Kat comes to her senses she’ll kick me out of her room as fast as possible.

“I do, Karkat. I do.” I tell him, and I climb out of the closet, legs wobbly and knees weak. He reaches for me, though I can see him hesitate when he notices his bloody palms, so I step closer, clutching to his arm for support with my free hand and resting my forehead on his naked shoulder, trying to be a little reassuring. He takes that as a positive sign and holds me, almost cradling me, but his arms are barely even touching me. I squeeze his bicep a bit and he holds me closer, hugs me tighter. I close my eyes.

 “I just need to find a way to let my heart know that.”

 

\---

 

“Rose?”

She looks up from her table, and immediately I just know that she can see that I’m blushing. Still, she merely smiles at me, looking rather… pleased. _Shit_. She’s going to psychoanalyze me, isn’t she. Yeah, that wasn’t a question.

“Ah, John. I was waiting for you.” She says as I enter the study. I close the door behind me. “I had a feeling you’d come to me after yesterday’s incident.”

I freeze halfway towards her desk.

“H-how do you know what happened yesterday?”

“Actually, officially, I don’t. But after seeing Karkat today, and noticing how miserable he looked, nasty bruises and all, I made my own assumptions. I also saw Kat. She was wearing short shorts, as if to display the horribly looking bruises on her knees. She seemed pretty satisfied with herself. I suppose you could be the one to confirm my suspicions, but only if you want to.”

Finally, I sigh and sit on the chair she just pulled for me.

“Yeah, well… I kind of witnessed Karkat and Kat’s kissmesiisiwhatever bloom yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. ‘Oh’.”

“Well… if I may ask, how are you feeling right now?”

“Like crap?” I tell her, and she gives me an understanding smile.

“And why do you feel that way? Weren’t you the one to both suggest and agree that Karkat was allowed to have other partners besides you?”

“Yeah, well! I know I did, and I feel terrible for being like this right now, it’s very hypocrite of me, I know, but now that it actually did happen, I’m not completely sure what to think of it!”

My head falls to the table, and while I grunt random noises, Rose places her hand softly against my hair and scratches my scalp. I calm down a bit.

“There, there, John. Don’t give yourself into desperation. Let’s work this out together, okay?”

“…okay.”

“Now. What are your feelings towards Karkat’s female counterpart?”

“Well, I like her a lot… I mean, you don’t hang out with her as much as I do, but if you did, you’d see that she’s _exactly_ like Karkat. I’m at ease around her as much as I’m at ease around him, and it’s fun and nice, and… a little different sometimes, maybe, because they’re not like, the same, same person, but it’s always nice.  She’s nice. And pretty. Like Karkat is pretty. Handsome. Whatever.”

“Hmm. And when you sometimes catch the two of them… kissing? Or maybe just a little too close for comfort? How do you feel then?”

“…I don’t know, actually.”

“Think hard, John. Jade already told me how you literally freeze whenever you catch them engaged in any kind of intimacy, no matter how little it may be. Search for the answer inside yourself; what goes through your head whenever you see them together?”

I pause, take a deep breath like and think, _hard_ , like she instructed me to, and try to remember exactly how I reacted the last time I caught Karkat and Kat kissing, besides, well… the very last time. My stomach churns, and it’s hard to tell if it’s an uncomfortable or a slightly pleasant feeling.

“It… it’s weird!” I exclaim, waving my head. “It’s weird and it looks right, it _feels_ right, you know? Karkat and Kat are made for each other, somehow, they’re fated partners, everyone knows that, _I_ know that, and it’s hard! It’s hard, because, sometimes… sometimes I feel like I don’t belong with them. Like I’m a stray piece on the wrong puzzle, and I get real sad, and maybe I start to freak out internally, but then… but then Karkat kisses me, and hugs me, and the three of us watch TV together, and it’s easy, it’s natural, it…. It just is.” And I turn my head towards her, my cheek mushed against the surface of the table. “And sometimes, when I see them kiss is, well, I almost think that it’s weird, that it’s sort of like, I don’t know, masturbation, and then I think about when we hang out together, and _god_ , I start thinking things like being with the two of them, but it’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s _wrong_!!” And I hide my face behind my hands, feeling completely embarrassed about spilling my guts out to Rose like this. “The deal was that _Karkat_ could have a second partner! Not me! I’m human! I can’t date two people at the same time, that’s not how things work, things don’t work that way, that’s not cool, not cool, and jesus I can’t believe I actually seriously CONSIDERED that oh my god oh my god ohmygodWHATAMISAYING?!?!”

“John. John, John, John, please calm down, you’re panicking. Relax, breathe.”

”I’m trying not to, Rose, I really am!! But it’s kind of hard when all I can think of is how my boyfriend’s female clone’s lips must feel like, and at the same time I’m fighting with my common sense, who is freaking _shouting_ at me, calling me _stupid stupid dumb_ and telling me that that is really not how I was supposed to react to it!!!”

“Well, I actually think it kind of is, John.”

…

What.

I turn my head to her, not even realizing I had spoken the thought out loud. She’s smiling that sweet smile of hers, and then her reassuring hand is gone – augh I hate it when she does that – because she got up from her chair to fetch a book on her bag. When she sits back down I straighten my back and she offers it to me.

“I bought this on a library on our way back home yesterday. I read it already, and it was rather enlightening. I am giving it to you now, John. I believe it will help you.”

I take it, a bit hesitant, and stare at the cover for the longest time, frowning. And yeah, maybe actually blushing a bit too.

“The ethical… _slut_?” I repeat out loud, and whoa, is the room getting warm or…? “Rose, are you implying that I’m a slut?”

She giggles, waving her head and placing a hand upon my shoulder.

“John. This book is about polyamory. Ever heard of it?”

And when I wave my head a bit enthusiastically, trying to scramble my brain just a little bit in the process, she nods. “It talks about how to maintain a healthy relationship with more than one person at the same time. Maybe this is the kind of thing you need in your life from now on. If anything, it’ll help you understand the troll’s quadrantic lifestyle. And, who knows, maybe it’ll help you understand yourself better as well.”

“Huh.” I whisper, looking down at the book. The word “SLUT” is written in all capitals in the middle of the cover, and staring at it is making me nervous, but I try not to show it. In very teeny tiny letters beneath the preposterous title, the sayings _“A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” _written in white against the black cover makes my heart beat a little faster. Maybe Rose is right. Maybe this really is what I need. To understand and comprehend the troll’s confusing way of living, and… embrace it? Maybe? Yeah, “embrace” is definitely the word I’m looking for. Completely embrace it, accept it, adore it, live by it…

…wait.

“Rose…?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you maybe, just maybe, saying that you think that it’s possible for me to be with Kat AND Karkat at the same time?!”

And she smiles again, and it’s obviously a little smug this time, and yeah, the room’s temperature is definitely rising, fuck fuck _fuck_.

“Is it not?” she asks. “Like you said yourself, same person, different gender. You seem to be capable of loving both the same way, and the only thing holding you back is the fact that you thought it not to be possible. Or rather, because you have convinced yourself that it isn’t possible, that you may only choose one of them, you have not given serious thought about it. I suggest that now you actually do consider it, John. Read the book. Sit down, close your eyes, and indulge the feeling. There’s nothing wrong with polyamory. None of us would ever judge you for it; you know better than anyone else that we would never judge you even if you decided to marry a tree.” And then she turns back to her desk, opening her own thick book once again and pretending to read it. “How does people say it again? ‘Double the pleasure, triple the fun’, right?”

Oh.

Oh, geez.

I’ll never be able to get those words out of my head.

It’ll replay forever and ever and ever over the totally sweet lines of Con Air.

And it has Rose’s voice, too. Talk about disturbing.

“T-thanks Rose, I guess.”

She nods, slowly, and hums “mm hmm” very softly. It’s my cue to smoothly walk away. Pretend this never happened.

I get up, clutching the book to my chest – I swear the thing seems to weight like a hundred pounds on my arms –, hiding it against my shirt, totally embarrassed as if it was a Playboy magazine or something. I open the door of Rose’s study quietly, close it quietly as well, and when I hear the final click of the lock fitting in its place, my legs get a mind of their own and scram out of there as fast as possible, as if being seen standing before that room means trouble. _Deep_ trouble.

I remember dashing past Dave and female Tavros at one point, and I’m pretty sure Dave even said “hey” to me when he saw me, but I ignored them both and ran and ran and ran until they were just a blur past me in the hallway, and the brown blooded troll shouted as I ran past her, all shy and awkward, “I-it was nice seeing you, John!” and fuck if I didn’t felt a little bad for ignoring them both.

Well, not bad enough to stop, obviously.

I didn’t go to Karkat’s hive. Instead, I went back to my own house, where Jade was already there, talking and giggling with Feferi in the kitchen table. I ignored them as well, focusing only on my aching muscles and my beating heart, and I ran up the stairs, locking myself up inside my bedroom and leaning back against the door, shaking, nervous.

I looked down at the book, and further down to my crotch, glaring at the lump in between my legs.

“This is all _your_ fault.” I whispered before I even had a chance to completely take in how pathetically ridiculous the whole scenario was: me, alone in my bedroom, talking to my _freaking_ _penis_. But hiding behind the closed door, inside the warm, dim room, actually thinking about taking into consideration the contents of the book I had with me, I felt safe, and far, far away from people’s judgments and accusing glares. I also felt lightheaded and dizzy as fuck, but that’s a whole different topic.

“John, are you sure you want to do this.” I whispered again, to no one or nothing in particular this time, relaxing my arms and allowing the offensive book to topple to the floor. Bad idea. It landed face up, and the words on the cover were now shouting at me, staring deep into the depths of my soul, my _being_ , accusing me, mocking me, calling to me almost as if they were glowing bright neon. And I realized that, even though I was safe from other people’s judgments in the safety of my bedroom, I wasn’t safe from my own thoughts.

And that was rather obvious to me, because the only thing I could think of, the only sentence going through my head, taunting me, spinning in a sea of curses and disbelief, was the only thing I could bring myself to say at that moment, as I slid down the wooden door and hugged my own legs, picturing Karkat and his female counterpart, each laying on a soft bed on either side of me, the three of us holding hands and sleeping with actual smiles on our faces.

Genuinely happy.

…fuck.

“I must be going insane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY ABOUT THE HIATUS! On the bright side, I think it was for the best! I am actually proud/happy about this chapter! It came out like I wanted it to in the end, and I hope you guys like it as much as I did.
> 
> On another note, I'd like to thank quill, with whom I've talked to in the comments of this fic, for giving me the whole idea for this chapter and enlightening me on polyamory. I loved learning about it, and from the beginning, I thought it was something amazing. The book Rose gave John, "The Ethical Slut", really does exist, and hopefully someday I'll get myself a copy so I can read it. I must confess that this fic is taking a whole different path than originally intended, but you know what, I rather like it. I mean, what's sex without a little romance, and what's romance without a little teenage drama, right?  
> Expect smut and the end of this fic coming up soon, though - probably sooner than expected.
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to all the polyamorous people out there. Life is hard, loving people is hard, and nobody(everybody) understands.
> 
> Happy Valentines day! :D


	6. John: Face your fears already! Gosh.

Sometimes, I wonder.

I wonder if the world’s just playing a prank on me.

It sure seems like it.

I mean, god damn it.

“Hi John.” Kat whispers in a sexy voice, and a cold shiver runs down my spine.

God. Fucking. Damn it.

“H-hi, uh, Kat…”

“Call me Karkat, John.” She says, in an even sexier tone, and ooooh boy she’s shrugging out of her baggy grey sweater, batting her eyelashes at me, stepping closer, closer, _closer_ —

“What the fuck are you doing?!” a voice comes from behind me, and I yell, jumping so fucking high I almost hit my head on the ceiling. Yep. That’s right. Out of fucking nowhere, Karkat – the original Karkat, I mean, the male, penis-wielding one (wow that sounded... weird) – is right behind me. He presses his body flush against mine, holds my arms to my sides and oh boy oh boy _oh boy_ what is he even doing. Can’t he see his female clone stripping right in front of me?!?!!!

I try, I swear I try to say that out loud, but when I start to get the words out of my mouth, Kat presses her body flush against mine as well, and all I can make out is a yelp of surprise, a pathetic high pitched squeak, and then she’s holding my arms too, fingers intertwining with Karkat’s, and they both press harder against me, and harder, and harder, and

oh.

“I can smell something burning.” Kat purrs in my left ear. My eyes are wide open, but completely out of focus. Behind me, I can feel Karkat’s chest vibrating with a low, soft chuckle.

“It’s his thinking pan frying.” Karkat whispers onto that same ear, and before I can turn my head completely, before my currently deep-fried brain can make out what’s happening, Kat and Karkat beat him to it.

I mean, they make out.

Look I made a funny one.

How can I still think of puns on a moment like this, _fuck_.

Where was I again?

Oh, right.

Making out.

Yeah, cool. Totally chill. Chill like Hawaii or something.

I’m watching the two trolls through the corner of my eye, and I can see absolutely _everything_. The way their black lips press against each other, how their reddish-grey tongues slip out from behind their dagger-sharp teeth to slip inside each other’s mouths, how they ever so gently nibble onto a sensitive skin…

But ~~worse~~ better than seeing everything is _listening_ to every single sound they’re making, since they’re, you know, right next to my fucking ear.

It’s probably on purpose, too.

No, scratch that. It’s definitely on purpose.

I can hear the low growl that only trolls can make whenever their tongues brush, the almost unnoticeable purr on the back of their throats, the eventual moan when they bite each other’s lips, and, yes, of course, the sound of their saliva when they flick their tongues like this or smack their lips together like that. In any other occasion, that would be fucking disgusting, but now…

_Now..._

Only hearing the two of them kissing already pitches a small tent on the front of my shorts.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Kat breaks away from the kiss to whisper in my ear, her wet lips brushing gently against my skin, her tone just slightly out of breath. Karkat licks behind my ear, taking his time, nibbling the curved tip so gently I can only feel the shiver running down my spine when his sharp tooth threaten to break the thin skin, but never actually do.

“Getting eager already, eh?” he says, his hot breath on the nape of my neck making the hair on my arm and neck stand up, and at the same time, Kat slides her knee up between my legs, rutting against the promising lump inside my jeans, and oh god oh god she’s kissing me she is she is she’skissingmeandkarkatissuckingonmynecktoomuch _toomuch **toomuuuuuuuuhcsfdsfggh**_

**_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_ **

“ _HOLY SHIT!!!”_

I look around, confused, sweaty and panting.

What. In the world. Just happened.

I look around, finally noticing the alarm clock on my nightstand, and it takes me five long and agonizing seconds to remember that I am, in fact, _not_ sleeping with Karkat, that I’m actually at my old house, alone... and to realize that it was all just a dream.

I groan, actually starting to feel everything, including the cold, uncomfortable, disgusting dampness inside my boxers.

Fuck. _Everything_.

 

\---

 

When I walk out of my house, I stride with confidence (okay I fake most of it, but it still counts!) towards the hive Karkat and I share. It’s a five minutes long walk, and by the time I’ve walked for about a minute the nervousness I‘m feeling gets the best of me and I decide it’s best if I just get there as fast as possible. I sprint towards it, reaching the front door in merely two minutes, and shove the door open with full force, putting on the most fierce expression I can muster (pretty sure my face’s kinda twisted with awkwardness and a pinch of embarrassment though) and look around, locking my gaze to Kat and Karkat’s wide eyes; they’re both sitting on the kitchen table, probably having breakfast. I nod once, curtly.

“Karkat. Karkat.” I say, stepping inside and closing the door behind my back. They both follow me with their eyes as I walk to the TV area and jump to the couch, plopping down on the pillows and propping my feet on the coffee table. So chill. I turn on the TV, tuning in the first movie channel I can find. “Don’t mind me. I’m just chillin’.” Chillin’ like the chill motherfucker you are right now. Yup. Chill as hell.

“ _Chillin’_.” Karkat repeats, making sure to copy the Texan twang I tried to add to the end of my sentence. He makes it sound dumb, but it was actually a totally cool and aloof maneuver I did to make them see just how chill I am. Since they’re probably still shocked from my totally sweet entrance, I let that one slide, and simply nod once, not even turning to look at him, eyes locked firmly onto the screen before me.

“Eeeyup. Chillin’. Why, got a problem with that?” I say, and oh fuck, okay, I kind of sound like a douchebag now. I slowly replay the whole scene in my head and realize that copying Dave’s coolness isn’t helping my situation, even though it seemed fit at first. I guess I’m just not fit for handling the high level of irony behind the whole coolkid act. Dave would be fucking proud of me for trying, though. Or just laugh at me. Whichever. I cough behind my hand and clear my throat. “Uh, what I mean is, everything’s chill. You know? It’s... all chill. So chill.”

“If you keep repeating it, you’ll just make it sound like nothing’s actually ‘chill’, John.” Kat says, her tone similar (who am I kidding, fucking identical) to Karkat’s, and their staring is almost burning a hole on the back of my head. “What the fuck happened that we should know of.”

“I read a book.” I say nonchalantly, and Karkat fake-gasps.

“Call the presses! John Egbert actually decided to expand his oh-so-vast intellect and read a fucking book! The apocalypse must be coming this way.” He mocks, and Kat giggles.

“I said,” I announce a little louder, and they both stop snickering to look into my eyes as I turn around and look at them. Their bowls of cocoa puffs with yogurt are left untouched, most probably since I walked in, the white cream turning into a colorful toned rainbow while the cereal gets mushy and pasty. “I read a book. A very enlightening book. And it turns out that humans can maintain a double ended relationship in modern times, regardless of religion. It just... takes a lot of work. And it’s extremely unheard of and not very accepted by, uh, by society. And... yeah. Yeah, I guess that’s pretty much it, not much left to add.”

They’re both staring at me in awe, and they look so identical, so cute, _so_...

Sigh.

I really am lovestruck with these doofus.

“So you’re saying...”

“You want to give the possibility of being in a relationship with the both of us a chance?”

“Well, yeah. If you guys don’t have, well, you know... anything opposing that?”

Kat’s eyes widen even more, and Karkat’s shoulders tense down as he relaxes his entire body. He gets up from his chair, walks towards me under his female counterpart’s gaze – he ignores her completely – and walks around the couch, bending down and scooping me up to his level in a rib shattering hug. I’m halfway towards saying something, begging for release – hehehehehe, _begging for release_ (oh my god terrible time to make puns john stop it you’re supposed to be having a moment here!!!) – when he exhales through his nose and mouth, whining lowly.

“Thank god.” He says, not releasing his death grip on my ribs. Ouchie. “Thank god, John, I was... I missed you. I thought—”

“Ssssh, calm down, Karkat, it’s okay...” I whisper, but he waves his head, grunting.

“Don’t fucking make me cheat on Gamzee with you, goddamn it!” he growls in my ear, and I can’t help but giggle.

“I was just about to pap your head, so I guess I really shouldn’t, huh?” Karkat groans and hides his face on the crook of my neck.

“Damn right you shouldn’t.”

“Alright.” And I giggle again, hugging him back properly. He softens his grip to my torso (whew). “I missed you too, mister cute, nubby horns.”

“My horns are not cute.” He mumbles, and when I snort against his shoulder I feel his fangs brush against my skin, a sign that he’s smiling back.

Before I know it, Kat approaches the heart-warming scene and awkwardly tries to hug us both too, arms barely even toughing our torso. When we turn our heads to look at her, small, sly smiles strategically placed upon our lips, she frowns, pouts and blushes a deep shade of red, turning her head around and away from us.

“It felt appropriate, okay?” she argues, and we both chuckle, releasing each other to hug her back in a huge group hug. She does this cute little “ _eep!_ ” sound as we encircle our arms around her torso, but neither one of us step back. She finally recoils both her arms to the front of her torso, cradling her hands between her breasts, and leans forward, resting her forehead against my chest. She sighs, Karkat rests his chin over her shoulder and I put my cheek over the top of her head, between her horns.

The silence that follows is comfortable and peaceful and just... _right_.

I almost feel like crying.

Almost. I’m not _that_ sappy.

(no i’m not, shut up.­)

 

\---

 

In the end, we don’t bother with quadrants.

Humans don’t have any, and trolls have too many, and in the end Kat really wanted to pursue a flushed relationship with me. Karkat seems more than just a little uncomfortable with sharing his quadrant with someone else, but in the end decides that he really shouldn’t care since, you know, she’s almost literally him.

 _Almost_. It’s really fun and endearing to watch them both as I start to notice in which ways Kat and Karkat are different from each other. How Kat dislikes lime mousse, even though Karkat could eat a whole tray of the thing. How Karkat hates fig with all his might even though Kat admits she could eat figs every day if they weren’t so damn hard to find when it’s not the right season. How she finds the human version of “Fifty First Dates” a lot more entertaining than the troll version, and how Karkat almost murdered her for even saying the thought out loud. There isn’t a day when I don’t laugh at their antics, or when I don’t have to step up between them before they make ground meat out of each other.

Nighttime is the best, though.

After dinner, I wash the dishes, Kat rinses them and Karkat puts everything back inside their respective drawers and cabinets. Then the three of us move to the living room area, equipped with tons of blankets and some of the softest pillows ever made, and we cuddle while watching a movie, any movie, really. We pick a different one every night, then pull open the extendable cushions on the three places couch; the whole thing is just so nice and comfortable we fall asleep half an hour before the credits begin to roll, with me in between the two trolls, legs and arms tangled together in a happy mess of too many limbs.

(we’re still trying to find a bed big enough to fit the three of us, and the couch is pretty comfortable, so nobody’s really complaining.)

In the morning, we fall into our own routines. I go to work, and so does Karkat – Kat ends up being his assistant while he programs, helping him with the logic and the coding. They usually end up fighting, arguing and making out a lot, but things never goes past that. It is, after all, business. Just because they work at home doesn’t mean they can afford to distract themselves that often.

I come home to bruised arms and hickey covered necks and bitten lips, and laugh about it in the end.

My amusement doesn’t last long.

After two weeks of, well... yeah I guess “cockblocking” would fit nicely into our situation. Anyway, after a week of me cockblocking them both, they’re... agitated. Nervous. A wreck.

A.k.a., super horny.

It’s not like we didn’t make out every now and then during the movies, it’s just that... things never went so far? I always got super nervous when I felt that extra pair of hands touching me, and both Karkat and Kat decided to respect my wishes and go with my own pace. But even a handjob while the other would kiss me still made me extremely squirmish and embarrassed, so cuddling and alternating between kissing partners it was.

I knew that couldn’t last very long, though, so when I came home one day and found Karkat and Kat naked on the open couch, eyeing me like two tigers hungry for their pray, I knew there was no escaping. It was either do or die.

Literally.

“Hello, John.” Kat cooed, and just the sing-song tone of her voice reminded me of that dream two weeks ago. I felt my neglected erection swelling up only slightly, and gulped dryly.

“Egbert.” Karkat nodded, his eyes glistening with lust, his reddish erection already fully erect. He played idly with the slit on top of the head of his penis, smearing his red precum over the smooth skin. He licked his lips languidly after realizing just where I was looking at.

I swallowed again.

“Uh, h-hey guys... I’m guessing tonight’s the night, huh.” I mumbled, closing the door behind me and setting my bag on the floor gently, mindful of the laptop I keep in there. Karkat nodded as I walked closer, a little self conscious of how clothed I was compared to how naked my partners were, and by the time I reached the foot of the improvised bed they were already scooting away from each other, making room for me in the middle. I crawled awkwardly all the way to the back of the couch, sitting with my back against it, both knees drawn up to my chest.

I cursed myself for looking so week and stupid. I mean, they are my boyfriend and girlfriend, after all, and I really shouldn’t be so not okay with this. It’s not like I never had sex with kKarkat, or that the sight of Kat’s naked torso doesn’t get me really aroused, it’s just that...

Ugh. Why is it so hard to explain?? Damn it.

“How do you want to do this?” Kat asked, sitting up a little, though she kept most of her body weight leaning onto a hand by my foot. She looked... really sensual in that pose. Really. With her collarbone jutting out like that, and her breasts squished together only slightly by her arms, and her nipples oh so inviting...

Aaah, shit.

“I don’t know?” I admitted, curling up even further. “I-I guess I’m not used to this yet... this whole two people, uh... pitying me. I mean, I never really knew why Karkat liked me so much, and now suddenly there are two people, and this is just so weird! I can’t shake off the feeling that this isn’t right, that I don’t deserve you both.”

They both stared at me, serious, all sexiness and seduction tactics long gone to properly evaluate the situation.  Karkat frowned, sitting a little closer to me. I could see his erection diminishing and fuck if that didn’t make me feel like the worst boyfriend ever.

“Can... can I get a kiss, though?” I asked, turning my head slightly towards Karkat. “I mean, uh... you look really nice, well, like that. You really do.” I turn my head a little towards Kat, feeling my blush deepen when I catch a glimpse of red goo coating her inner thighs. “You too, Kat. You both look, um, extremely—”

And before I know it, Karkat takes my face into both his hands, turning it to him and kissing me as hard as possible. I didn’t expect it at all, so I’m a little shocked at first, but soon I start melting into the kiss, both my arms curling around his neck. I feel a little guilty in the beginning, not being able to kiss Kat at the same time, but the kiss is just so nice I can’t help but shut everything down and keep on kissing him, lowering both my legs, kneeling on the couch and kissing him deeper, harder, more desperately...

“Hnnnng... J-John...” he moans, and _whoa_ that goes straight to my dick. I seriously never _ever_ heard him moan like that during a kiss before. It’s... pretty darn amazing. He shifts a bit, and I decide to open my eyes a little. He’s staring at me, vision foggy with lust and want.

“Yeah?”

“Is it okay if she does that?”

“Sh--what?”

And I look down.

Oh my god how did I not feel the shift of the couch.

Kat is laid down besides Karkat, her body a bit far from mine, licking and stroking his dick. She looks up when I look down, tongue out and glistening with saliva and what seems to be Karkat’s genetic material. Fuckfuckfuck I think I’m liking the view a little too much. I wonder if voyeurism is something else I should add to my list of fetishes I didn’t even knew I had.

“Uh...”

Nice going, John. Very eloquent of you.

“Y’know what, don’t think, just... kiss me. Please.” Karkat mumbles against my lips, reminding me that he’s still there, waiting for an answer. He leans in closer, sealing the distance between us both efficiently, and Kat smirks, giving the grey muscle a long, slow lick. _Damn_. The tightness in my pants is pretty hard to ignore at this point, but so is the way Karkat is kissing me and moaning under his breath, hands clutching my shoulders as hard as he can without hurting me. I decide it’s best to close my eyes and just... forget about everything.

I find out it’s not all that hard in the end.

The minutes pass; I know for a fact that I could just kiss Karkat all day and never get tired of it. Especially with the way his moans and gasps are growing with intensity and frequency and how his kisses are getting less and less coordinated and more sloppy and desperate. Now that I know what Kat is up to, it’s kind of impossible to not notice how she scoots closer to the two of us, settling herself almost in front of Karkat so she can get some better maneuvers going on. The cushions jiggle as she starts moving her head up and down, increasing her speed little by little, and I push Karkat’s head closer to mine, tangling my fingers in his black hair, mushing our lips together. One of his hands reach down to fumble with my clothed erection, and I just can’t find it in myself to complain; he pushes the heel of his hand onto my dick and rubs against it to the best of his abilities, but even that little contact makes tiny sparks of hot burning pleasure burst behind my closed eyes, run down all the way to my toes and up to the back of my neck.

I’m slowly getting more and more used and relaxed to this whole poliamory-sex-thingie, and I realize how it’s really not that bad at all.

When Karkat’s breath starts getting rapid and frantic he breaks the kiss to look down, pushing Kat by the shoulders with both hands.

“ _Hnng_ , Karkat, get off, I need—”

“Oh, bucket, right.” She exclaims, mouth dripping with genetic material, and I look at her, completely dumbstruck.

“Wait, you’re not...? Oh, y’know what, screw this!”

And before I can even think twice and Karkat or Kat can ask what the fuck I’m talking about, I lean down and take Karkat’s erection into my mouth.

He downright screams, a desperate and content sound, because he knows what I’m about to do, I’ve done it quite a few times before, and he grips my shoulder and hair, thighs rigid and shaking with pleasure. I hum as I pump him faster, moving my tongue against his slit and stroking what I can’t fit into my mouth with one hand, the other busy massaging his testicles. It’s hard to pay attention to all of these things all at the same time and doing them all right and with a steady rhythm, but it’s oh so worth it, because Karkat loves it. He’s close. So damn close I can already feel some of his cum in my mouth, and in my head I chant _yes, yes, come, just do it, come to me, come, cum in my mouth, yes, **yes** , **Karkat**...!_

“ _J-Joooohn! Aaa-- **aaah!**_ ”

And with that, he’s done for.

The first flow of liquid pours into my mouth in thick splurts, warm and sweet and bitter all at the same time. I stroke him in time with the rhythm of his heartbeat, helping him ride out his orgasm by milking him slowly and firmly. I gather a mouthful, swallow, then another, until my third mouthful comes slowly and produces very little genetic material. I stop, licking him thoroughly, gently making my way up to his head, wiping off whatever’s left of the red liquid, feeling him twitch beneath my palm. God, I forgot how nice this is. How much I missed doing this to him.

When I look up, Karkat is looking down at me, lips still swollen, red and glistening with our mixed saliva, mouth hanging open in a way that it’s almost charming on him. He’s sweating a little, shoulders relaxed, eyes half open and locked onto my own. I smile up at him, teeth and all.

“Better?” I ask, trying to sound naïve, and he chuckles weakly.

“Yes. Very. Thank you.” He mumbles, voice rough from all the moaning and screaming, and he reaches down to cup my cheek onto his palm. I rise slowly back to my knees and give him yet another long, deep kiss.

“ _Holy shit_.” I hear from somewhere beside me, and when we both turn... oh, yeah, Kat.  She’s sitting a few feet from us, eyes wide and face flushed. I giggle. “You... and you... and _you_... holy crap, how kinky can you get??!”

Karkat winks once – something I never thought I’d ever see him doing in a million years – and smirks at her.

“Wanna find out, baby?”

I laugh, and it only takes her two seconds of looking back and forth to figure out that it was a challenge. She smiles a wicked grin and approaches us both.

“ _Yes_.” She says, her words firm and decisive, and I gasp when I feel her claws ripping open my work shirt (oh well, i really needed a new one anyway) and clutching to my belt, unfastening it in one swift motion and pitching it across the room. Karkat licks his lips and traces a long, wet line behind my ear as he opens the button and zipper of my slacks, pulling them down, underwear and all, all the way to my knees.

“Hell yes.” He drawls out, his ghosting breath making me shudder and moan, and from behind me I can feel a pair of warm, soft breasts pressing against my spine as two delicate hands slide down the front of my torso and get a firm grip to my erection. I jump a little, and Karkat takes the opportunity to grab my butt with both hands. Kat smiles behind my other ear.

“Hell.”

“Fucking.”

“ _Yes_.”

And when they throw me down on the couch, discarding whatever’s left of my clothes, and press both their lips to mine at the same time, hands and fingers and bodies touching everywhere and anywhere they can possibly reach...

I sigh.

Is this heaven or what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

\---

****

**_EPILOGUE_ **

“Two boyfriends means two times more sex.”  I say, and Dave nods solemnly, face serious as ever. “I mean, it’s all good and dandy the first few weeks, but damn. I gotta tell you, Dave. Tolls have some stamina.”

“Don’t have to tell _me_ that, dude.” He tells me, looking at me sideways. “Dating mister Tav for two months almost killed me. The guy could keep going all night and nothing could stop him. Terezi’s even worse. She could keep going all day if I don’t stop her somehow.”

I giggle. “Does she still uses that strap on with you?”

  1. “Hell yes.”  The ghost of a grin frames his red lips even as he keeps facing forward. “That thing is her favorite toy ever. I did really well when I decided to make it custom made; trying to find someone who’d make an entirely red strap on, leather included, was tough shit. Worth every penny, though.                She likes to put it on when I’m not around just to watch herself in the mirror and have orgasms only with how pretty that cherry red looks on her.” He downright smiles then, chuckling only once. “I gotta tell you, man, she can be cute even with a red erect dong on full mast sitting perfectly over her pelvis. It’s downright amazing how she does that.”



“I can only imagine.” I giggle, and Dave smacks me in the shoulder.

“Dude, not cool. Don’t imagine my troll friend naked and walking around with a strap-on dildo flopping around between her legs. I thought you were my friend, come on.”

I raise both my hands in the air, and he puts both fists back into his pant pockets. “Sorry, sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t really imagining it. I think I’d have nightmares from the sight anyway.” He arches an eyebrow at me and I smile apologetically. “Too many teeth.”

“Right.” He nods, and we turn a corner. The door to Sollux’s lab is right down that hall, but we freeze. There’s a sound coming from... somewhere.

“Hey, uh, guys, what are you—”

“ _Ssssh_.”

Dave whips a hand up in the air and Tavros, who came running from nowhere, stops right behind us both, eyes wide and ears perked up. A thudding sound. We turn to look at a closet door a few steps away from us.

Dave, of course, is the first to move. He flashsteps towards it, swings the door open, to reveal...

“Whoa!!”

“Uh...!”

“Hot.”

“Umm... hey guys...” female Tav mumbles from the floor, splayed out on top of Vriska, her mini shorts’ zipper open and Vriska’s metallic hand inside it. They’re both facing up, meaning Vriska was probably leaning against the door, Tavros leaning back against her chest, and, well... we probably interrupted them. Actually, we most definitely interrupted them. Whoops?

“You two have fun. We’ll tell everyone else you were too busy to hear the announcement they have to make. Use protection, girls.” Dave drawls out, walking away with all the smoothness of a coolkid. Tavros blushes, sputters, and follows him. “I trust you got the popcorn, Tav, my man?”

“Yes, I did!” he says, lifting a puffed paper bag he had been clutching onto his balled fist the entire time, and Dave nods once.

“Awesome.”

I smile, looking down at the floor.

“Hey there, Vriska!”

Vriska smiles back, totally unaffected by this turn of events. Female Tavro’s face is brown all the way to the tip of her ears.

“Heeeeeeeey, John! How’s it going?!”

“pretty good, actually, thanks for asking! Hey, Tavros. Um. I’ll leave you two alone now, okay?”

“Yes, that’d be nice, thank you John. Now go!!!!!!!! Hurry, the coolkid is getting away!”

“Right! I’ll let you know what happened later, okay?!”

She cackles, using her free hand to get up from the floor. Female Tavros gasps on her lap and hides her face on her hands. _So cute._

“Can’t be any more interesting than last time!!!!!!!!”

I smile and laugh loudly, sprinting towards the two boys already waiting by the door. And as I  hold the knob of the door that leads to the huge lab inside Sollux’s house, I think to myself,

can’t it?

 

\---

 

“Rose? Rose, are you all right?”

The whole room feels... stuffy. Who turned off the air conditioner?

Nobody, most probably.

But as I look forward and stare right into the eyes of a male version of Kanaya, his lean, tall frame, his wide but thin chest, narrow hips, tight red pants, penetrating gaze, slightly glowing white skin...

He looks back at me, and smiles, only slightly showing off his fangs, and _oh_...

I never knew the sight of a man could be this arousing.

Then again, he’s Kanaya, after all. I can’t exactly say I’m surprised that he’s exceptionally elegant and marvelously angular and effortlessly refined, and, oh yes, deliriously hot on top of it all. Because I’m not.

Not one bit.

I can only imagine him wielding a chainsaw alongside with Kanaya. My girlfriend and matesprit and her male counterpart, fighting alongside with swift and synchronized moves, feet as light as ballerinas.

I smile a little, dozing out of my shocked trance.

“Yes, I am quite alright, dear.” I say, offering her a small, reassuring smile. She raises a single eyebrow. “Quite alright indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL FOR STAYING WITH ME AND READING MY STORY UNTIL NOW. You are all too sweet and I loved writing this fanfic. I owe you more threesome smut, though! And I will deliver, I promise. SOON, MY DEAR FOLLOWERS. SOON.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by this: http://glittershorts.tumblr.com/tagged/crabsalad and also this http://sukkadoesfilthythings.tumblr.com/tagged/crabsalad


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